This week’s entry from our hardheaded political lightweights is a little different. Through rigorous snooping and some advantageous hors-d’oeuvres placement at last year’s RNC, our correspondents were able to track down the contact information for recently resigned National Security Advisor Michael Flynn. We cannot show his Slack chat avatar for the benefit of our younger followers, but we can provide the imagined transcript below.
digitaljournal: Hey General Flynn.
michael.flynn: Hello. I’m a civilian, you don’t have to call me General.
digitaljournal: Can I call you Mike?
michael.flynn: General Flynn is fine
digitaljournal: Ok, well thanks for chatting with us. Are you in Washington still?
michael.flynn: No, no, I’m attending to business at an undisclosed location right now. I mean, you’re going to keep all of this quiet, aren’t you? Process this conversation through one of those privacy mulchers Trump and his fellows are using to destroy their messages?
digitaljournal: Right, well, once again thanks for chatting with us. I mean, you must be a pretty busy guy right now.
michael.flynn: Yeah, I guess.
digitaljournal: I can’t believe the affect all of this has had on the news cycle. Donald even stopped tweeting on Monday while this was brewing.
michael.flynn: The President was busy all day working with the Canadian Prime Minister Joe Trudeau.
digitaljournal: What are relations like between Russia and Canada?
michael.flynn: You’d have to ask Prime Minister Joe that. I think it’d be best if we avoided any talk about foreign powers.
digitaljournal:
michael.flynn Right…
digitaljournal Hey what’s with your website?
michael.flynn: What about it?
digitaljournal: Well, it’s just a grey background with your name in the middle of the page. I mean, did you land many clients with that kind of layout when you were running your consulting firm? Putin’s eyes are a cold grey-blue…
michael.flynn: I’m not in charge of the website. My staff just run it for me.
digitaljournal: Fair enough. Well, you are certainly holding some kind of record at this point.
michael.flynn: How do you mean?
digitaljournal: Three weeks in the White House, the third Trump campaign member to resign over Russian ties, the number three has not been lucky for you guys.
michael.flynn: I don’t believe in luck.
digitaljournal: Come on, even General Patton believed in luck. And your old boss loves that guy.
michael.flynn: The President has his beliefs, and I have mine.
digitaljournal: You caused quite a kerfuffle with a couple of tweets.
While I accept full responsibility for my actions, I feel it is unfair that I have been made the sole scapegoat for what happened. (1/2)
— Michael Flynn (@GenMikeFlynn) February 14, 2017
But if a scapegoat is what's needed for this Administration to continue to take this great nation forward, I am proud to do my duty.
— Michael Flynn (@GenMikeFlynn) February 14, 2017
digitaljournal: That was a pretty gutsy admission to make on the Internet.
michael.flynn: I didn’t write those. Neither did my staff. My verified account was offline for maintenance when someone posted those.
digitaljournal: So you don’t think the Trump administration needs a scapegoat at this point.
michael.flynn: Come on, I agreed to do this thing because you’d been so friendly at the snack table at the RNC.
digitaljournal: Have you ever met Christopher Steele, the man who assembled the Trump dossier?
michael.flynn: That little scumbag. MI6 should stay the hell out of the United States. That whole report was just a Democrat ploy by Clinton’s attack dogs.
digitaljournal: You know that the ‘Never Trump’ Republicans started the dossier, right?
michael.flynn: I hadn’t been given that information at the time of my resignation, no.
digitaljournal: Well, I mean, Trump would never take his shirt off for any voter, so how much of a Putin sleeper agent can he really be?
michael.flynn: The President’s physique will not be questioned.
digitaljournal: That hair medication he’s on sounds pretty terrifying.
michael.flynn: My staff wasn’t aware of any hair medication.
digitaljournal: Oh, Mike, that’s not good.
michael.flynn: No…
digitaljournal: Don’t worry, I hear Stephen Miller’s volunteered his own body hair as transplants, so your old boss might not have to be taking that impotence-inspiring, prostate-cancer-masking junk any longer.
michael.flynn: Don’t talk to me about Miller.
digitaljournal: Yeah, that Sacramento accent doesn’t really disguise the fact that he’s a rabid weasel does it?
michael.flynn: Listen, I better get back to my emails…
digitaljournal: Sure. Well thanks for the time Mike, and we look forward to seeing you at your Senate hearing in the near future.
michael.flynn: Whatever.
digitaljournal: Well, now I guess I know how it looked when he set the record for fastest ever resignation of a national security advisor for the White House.
