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How Not To Get Pregnant: Lessons From The Handmaid's Tale

Unless you're a woman living in the Republic of Gilead, you've heard of The Handmaid's Tale. This article will bring you 4 ways of how not to get pregnant. Read these lessons & apply in order to ensure that the Lord definitely doesn't open.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA, July 12, 2018 /24-7PressRelease/ -- Unless you're a woman living in the Republic of Gilead, you've heard of The Handmaid's Tale.
If you've yet to see this incredibly acted and amazingly cinematographed show, we're here to give you the lessons you didn't even know you needed. For instance, if you're looking for effective ways to torture women stripped of their reproductive rights, take a page out of Aunt Lydia's book.
In this article, we bring you four ways of how not to get pregnant. Read these lesson which you can apply in order to ensure that the Lord definitely doesn't open. Warning: spoilers ahead!
1. Assume The Male Has No Fertility Issues
No one, including Commander Waterford, believes that he can actually impregnate anyone, but still he is assigned a Handmaid in order to keep up the ruse that he is virile. Case in point, when Offred told him he wasn't the father of her baby, he didn't even looked surprised.
In fact, approximately 40-50% of all infertility cases are due to male infertility. On too many occasions, women will undergo test after test because they believe the problem lies within their bodies when, in reality, it is a problem with their partner.
Causes of male infertility can involve a low sperm count, low motility and abnormal shape of sperm cells. However, ff you happily ignore these facts and place all the fertility blame on women, like the misogynistic Sons of Jacob leaders, you will be on your way to staying pregnant-free.
2. Stress Yourself Out
Few things can induce stress quite like monthly, scheduled rape. Also, being held down by your abuser's wife adds another dimension of anxiety. It's hardly shocking that Handmaids aren't knocked up from this highly stressful experience. When conception does actually happen for June, it's a result of having enjoyable sex with Nick where she can literally let her hair down.
People looking to conceive are always told to "just relax". This super-annoying advice is actually based on real science. Alpha-amylase, an enzyme found in the saliva, has been found to increase as someone's stress levels increase. And, after being studied in groups of women, it was determined that alpha amylase levels were actually higher in infertile women.
So, anyone out there looking not to conceive should definitely try and raise their stress levels. If you're looking for some stressful TV watching, we suggest the memorable scene when Serena Joy gets whipped by her extremely devout husband.
3. Have Sex Once Per Month
The creepy ritual which is The Ceremony is supposed to occur once a month. Severely limiting the amount of time spent copulating decreases the chances of getting pregnant and so, again, it is no wonder why there aren't many pregnant Handmaids.
Timing for pregnancy is so crucial. There are only about 6 days per month, based on the time a woman ovulates and the lifespan of sperm, when a woman is able to get pregnant. Doctors may recommend coitus every other day for optimal chances at conceiving but it largely depends on the age and viability of a woman's egg. In any situation, they will definitely recommend doing it more than once a month.
Ensure you further lower your odds of getting pregnant by only having sex exactly one time per month.
4. Surround Yourself With Radioactive Waste And Eat Inorganically
We learn from Serena Joy, when she talks to the Mexican delegates, that Gilead was able to cut carbon emissions by 78% in three years thanks to cleaning up of radioactive waste from the colonies and growing their own organic food. The Mexican envoy is super impressed because, as the mayor says, it has been six years since a child was born from her hometown.
Pollutants have been linked to lower fertility rates, not just in women but in men too. However, if you seriously don't want to get pregnant, it's advisable to stick to the previous 3 options as this one could have a detrimental effect on your health.
Take Away
Looking to avoid a pregnancy like an Unwoman? Study the seriously perverse laws of Gilead in order to exercise your right to choose like only a truly free woman can. Praise be.
Sourced by: Mommy Authority
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