If you destroy community peace or property, expect community service; should you heist someone’s belongings and hock them, expect restitution payments. However, what happens when you burp in class, destroy poodle semen or express mail your puppy 1,000 miles away?
Today we’ll examine ten really strange, but upheld, punishments doled out to criminals for crimes that bring out more laughter than seriousness.
#10: Post Facebook apologies
Restraining orders, by design, are meant to separate two disputing parties before further verbal or violent lashings occur. During divorce, these court mandates can really try one’s patience, such as the case of Mark Byron, the Ohio native who broke through the restraining order by lashing out on Facebook with obscenities, was sentenced to an unusual task: post Facebook apologies daily for 30 days, or face jail time. Citing potential First Amendment obstruction due to court forcing speech, critics jumped all over this sentence which, out of respect, Byron is complying with.
#9: Here’s your sign
Shoplifting knows no season, reason or race. Even when our economy is holding steady, individual thrill seekers, jewelry heisters and plain ignorant humans decide that hijacking unpaid property will fill some void. Such is the case with 46-year old Lisa King Fithian, who ‘innocently’ tried to take an item to Walmart’s service desk because it wouldn’t scan, and somehow walked out of the store with said item — valued at $7. Her sentence? Wear a sign depicting her judgment: I’m a thief; I stole from Walmart. Along with an unnamed cohort, she worked four-hour shifts wearing these double-sided signs. Now that’s not only cruel, but really freakin’ funny.
#8: The knitting ninny
German life is never boring. You have American-style bar brawls, fights, flimflams and wildly displayed public chaos like any worldwide city. Then there’s Heidi Kohl, an 89-year old western Germany resident who simply had enough of high traffic in her neighborhood. Constantly complaining of parked cars damaging the once quiet neighborhood, Kohl took her frustrations out by slashing tires in hopes of deterring future parking episodes. Since she presented herself in court as indigent, her sentence was simple: knit sweaters for each victim. She’s since been moved into a retirement community.
#7: Locks of time
In Price, Utah, life operates much like anywhere else in America: parents bring home paychecks, children play, church commences, and young ladies cut hair off people they just met at McDonalds. Wait, huh? Yes, one 13-year old girl that decided to help herself to another three-year-old’s hair faced justice in court in June of 2012. Her sentence? Well, your standard 30 day commitment in juvenile detention, 200-some odd hours of community service, and get your own ponytail whacked off by mom in court for a reduction in commitment. Although lawmakers question the interpretation of local law, mother conceded to the sentencing; the judge sentenced her 11-year old friend to a man-short haircut.
#6: Live In filth
Slumlords have no right owning properties, much less collecting rent off hard-working tenants. One Cleveland man, Nicholas Dionisopoulos, obviously has little regard for keeping rental units up to code, being cited by Judge Ray Pianka for numerous building violations including lackluster repair efforts and general filth. This Parma, OH lessor will get to taste his own medicine: his sentence includes forfeiture of monies paid by tenants to Housing Court to make sure repairs happen, a $100k fine, and house arrest in his most dilapidated building.
#5: XXX, and you’re out!
Ohioans have grown accustomed to Judge Cicconetti’s sentencing routine over the years. After all, someone needs to curb recidivism rates around the country; may as well start small. In the case of one young man who robbed an adult video store, the creative Painesville, OH judge decided to give Jeremy Sherwood, then 18, two options: miss your graduation in lieu of 30 days in the can, or sit in utter humiliation across the street from the XXX shop and hold an intriguing sign — while blindfolded: See No Evil. Nobody likes watery eggs and snoring roomies; Sherwood chose the latter and thanked the judge by explaining to passing traffic the intricacies of living right, and the wrongs associated with porn theft.
#4: Christmas asses
Judge Cicconetti is so creative, he gets two spots. Christmas Eve of 2003 was like other Yuletides before; last-minute shopping, excited children, and vandalizing Baby Jesus. Yes, the latter was an unfortunate happenstance in Fairport Harbor, OH, where two teens decided to demoralize a nativity scene. In the end, Cicconetti’s sentence literally made these two, then 19, asses; on top of their drug rehab and 45-day sentences, they were ordered to walk with a donkey up to the church they vandalized to apologize in person. The sign they were forced to bear upon the back of the donkey? Sorry for the jackass offense. That’s just classic Cicconetti punishment; if you’re into following his numerous criminal adjudications, you’d see why.
#3: Dragging things out
Young adults do the funniest things, most which aren’t interpreted as illegal. That is, of course, until you start chucking beer bottles at young ladies. The small city of Coshocton, Ohio was the scene of another round of unsympathetic criminal punishment when Judge Hostetler decided two young men could either serve 60 days for criminal damages, or walk through town for 1 hour in full drag queen gear. The men, of course, chose the latter along with $250 in victim restitution. Overcrowding, the concern with American county jails in general, is cited as the main reason unorthodox punishments are given.
#2: Prison is…too short?
Pedophiles should all fall atop the sword — literally. Or at least face firing squad punishment for their heinous activities. However inhumane their crimes are, the thought of having these mentally ill individuals running rampant anywhere in the world is particularly unsettling. According to a Nebraska judge, Richard Thompson, found guilty of sexually assaulting a child, is still human and strangely enough, too short for imprisonment. Thompson is 7 years in on his 10 year probation sentence, he deleted all porn, will never have a woman with kids or be around kids, and was electronically monitored for 4 months. Apparently if you do the crime, be under 5’1” tall.
#1: Chicken scratch
Once again, Judge Cicconetti strikes again when three men, convicted of solicitation of prostitution, were spared jail time. Instead, these three gentlemen were forced to wear chicken suits and wander around the local PMC parking lot for 3 hours. Their sign? No Chicken Ranch in Painesville, a spoof from the ever famous ‘Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ film, perfectly scripted since Depression-era hookers accepted poultry products instead of cash. Cicconetti, since his run of unusual but effective punishments, continues his reign on the bench — for more strange occurrences he’s known for, simply Google his name.
