If this were truly the case, the United Nations would be a school and its principal would be Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. If global politics operated like grade school, right now Russian President Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, U.S. President Barack Obama, and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad would all be lined up outside the principal’s office.
First, there’s Bashar al-Assad, who throws a tantrum because everyone, except him, thinks it’s someone else’s turn to be “King of the Mountain.” But instead of politely stepping aside, Assad demands a do-over and starts a huge ruckus that he quickly loses control of. Barack Obama, the schoolyard bully, who doesn’t like Assad — perhaps because he looks funny, or maybe because he speaks English with a weird accent — decides this is a perfect time to take over Assad’s sandbox.
Like a playground hooligan with plans to frighten you out of your lunch money, Obama tells Assad that Syria is no longer his turf and he needs to empty out his pockets onto the table and leave the keys to the new Bentley as he exits the door. He also in-boxes all of his Twitter and Facebook friends to tell them not to play with Assad anymore.
When Assad refuses, Obama calls up his posse to put the smack-down on Assad, who calls up a posse of his own. This is around the time Assad realizes that some very bad guys called ISIS are also after his turf.
Obama, not wanting to ruin his new manicure, hires some local goons to knock Assad out of the box. However, his plans hit a snag when Assad’s BFF, Vladimir Putin, shows up to get his bud’s back. Putin, who totally hates Obama’s guts, jumps at the chance to get sweet president-revenge on the dude who’s been trying to mess up his score in the Ukraine.
Since Obama doesn’t want trouble with the principal, he shoots his pal Recep Tayyip Erdogan a text message, telling him to deal with Putin. Now Obama knows that Erdogan — a.k.a “Quickdraw” Erdogan — is a loose cannon and also that he and Putin are frenemies, so he plays the two off against each other, steps back and waits for the fireworks.
Sure enough, Erdogan breaks one of Putin’s airplanes and the fight is on! Putin immediately tries to take back everything he ever gave Erdogan, including a cheesy pair of argyle socks, with matching tie, that he gave him the previous Christmas. He then calls Erdogan to the mat and challenges him to a game of “Truth or Dare.” Erdogan wastes no time telling Putin where he can put his truth and what he can do with his dare.
This is about where things start getting really ugly. When Erdogan refuses to say “I’m sorry” for breaking Putin’s airplane, Putin goes ballistic and accuses Erdogan of being a swindling, double-dealing, two-timing, sack of horse excrement — and a crime lord to boot.
Because of the bitter exchanges, now there are no more fist bumps and high-fives, and no more choruses of Kumbaya between these two. Now all they can talk about is killing each other, as they pass one another in the Hallways of Power, while exchanging murderous glances. Having accomplished what he set out to do, Obama gives himself a hearty pat on the back while Assad has a big laugh on them all, as he kicks back and watches everyone else duke it out.
Although this is a satirical depiction of what goes on among our world leaders, this farcical account raises questions whose answers are as profound as they are troubling: If you take away the guns, bombs, missiles, tanks, and planes, what would remain? If you remove the saber-rattling, posturing, grandstanding, and bravado from the equation, would petty political differences have any relevance? If you got rid of the pain, the suffering, the displacement, the mayhem and murder, what would be left?
If it were possible to cast all these things aside, all there would be is a bunch warmongering, uptight old men, with sharp tongues, bad attitudes, and an insatiable lust for control and power. Despite this, many are all-to-willing to be led into the abyss by the twisted words of warped men. Franklin D. Roosevelt got it right when he said “ War is young men dying and old men talking.”
