In the dazzling, sparkling world of Chinese media, The Global Times is a yes-site for the Chinese government. As a media equivalent, it’s somewhere between has-beens like Breitbart and lemming-like press releases. The Global Times, apparently standing in for senior Chinese military command, has urged Beijing to bomb Australian soil.
This tedious drum-banging against Australia has been going on for some time, and we Aussies are thoroughly bored with it. A quick look at routine Global Times news tells the rather turgid journalistic tale. One of the headlines says that “China needs to make a plan to deter extreme forces of Australia.” They’re that good.
Exactly how The Global Times suddenly became the arbiter of Chinese foreign and military policy is unclear. Perhaps one of China’s strategic janitors moved up in the world? Or was Sun Tzu too busy?
Meanwhile, the Global Times is also a hidden master of stating the staggeringly obvious. The military risks to Australia are well-known. China does have a couple of missile types capable of hitting Australia, and has had for about a decade or so at least. There are military targets in Australia, as there are just about everywhere on Earth.
Another microscopic issue which seems to have escaped the Global Times’ notice is that bombing places is what happens in wars. This ever-elusive bit of information may have just reached the fecund editorial desk of the Global Times.
There’s also the now-standard issue of China’s monotonous standover tactics when referring to Australia. The intention of this thundering babble is to intimidate, as usual. We’ve long since stopped expecting any rational statements to come from Chinese government orifices of any kind.
The only surprising thing about that is how rapidly Australian total lack of interest happened.
So let’s check out the intimidation, shall we?
It goes something like this:
“Well, gosh, Auntie Em! We timid little woodland creatures are terrified.”
“Gee, shucks, Dorothy! Maybe we should pay heed to these ever-so-subtle ancient Chinese policies!”
“Or maybe we should make a couple of phone calls, arm ourselves to the teeth, and raise an eyebrow?”
“Perhaps get a few thousand of our own quaint adorable folksy little nuclear multi-warhead missiles, call them Spring Rolls, and offer to send them some?” (The so-called Chinese Spring Roll was invented in Little Bourke Street, Chinatown, Melbourne in the late 19th century.)
“We do have the recipe. We could take it out of petty cash, too.”
“…And it would be a sign of appropriate veneration and respect for super mentally agile Chinese pseudo-journalism!”
Another international incident resolved through careful consideration. The Global Times should stick to its role of media cartoon character. It’s simpler.