American politics may be as much fun as syphilis, but it’s also pretty predictable. The formulaic “Ignore all real issues and hate all other Americans” is getting a bit stale.
You’ll never be able to sell the place at this rate.
You may even have to hide the country somewhere, so it doesn’t interrupt or distract from the adorably fossilized, dazzlingly crafted dribbling narratives. Hide it somewhere safe, like that small but charming tropical island of Canada, maybe Mexico or one of those cute snuffly-wuffly war zones. Gaza is nice this time of year.
…Or, perhaps somewhat more simply, just somewhere that nobody is listening to, or comprehending, anything at all. Do you know of a place like that? Where the deer and the antelope and the media are all out busily annoying the prairies? Where the Smithsonian guys aren’t so obviously interested?
… This brings us to the Duuuhhhhhh Factor. A country built on ideas now hates the idea of intelligence in any form. It tries desperately to prevent education in any form. Particularly if it has to look at it on a screen. It’s one of those Great American Traditions they won’t let into Walmart for hygienic reasons.
It’s also one of those Americana things that both parties cherish. They’re both upholding the no-brainer traditions of American politics. They just do it differently.
The Republicans have a slight advantage. That little Donny Trump kid has never been accused of any sort of intellectual pretensions. They’re just trying to prove that with a brilliantly run financial black hole of an election campaign.
The Democrats may be solvent, but they’re not far behind the Republicans in a no-message totally negative campaign. It worked so well in the mid-terms they’re doing it again. None of those inflammatory “Want a decent life?” messages. Or anything else. In the spirit of fair play and total illiteracy, they’ve steered clear of mentioning anything about undermining the First Amendment with abortion laws.
Both parties have also scrupulously avoided any mention of America’s encyclopedias of near-fatal domestic issues. It’s like the country rather tactfully doesn’t actually exist.
…So “Duuuhhhhhh” it is. Just to reassure voters, someone should do a research project just to make sure nobody raises a subject that could be relevant to voters. Pew Research might be busy, so maybe a hot dog stand somewhere could do it. Probably do a better job of it than the parties.
America is in a unique situation. It’s a superpower in which at least half of the population doesn’t know where the planet is or what it’s doing there. This relentless drive towards total mediocrity may have political opportunities for someone.
Will some excrement-born genius tap into the gap? Will the people realize they don’t just have to hate themselves? That there are other people to hate, too?
There’s another option. You could try “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”. The alternative is “Duuuhhhhhh”.
