By any name, a baby would be called a baby – Unless you had parents who had decided otherwise. It seems that Goldman Sachs, those dainty princes of classy behaviour, have found out that it’s all about branding. Proclaiming your child’s individuality. Giving a newborn something to worry about in later life, perhaps? Given Goldman Sachs’ famous brilliance in business associations and strictly moral conduct of business, we can only guess where this enchanting idea was sourced.
Perhaps God or one of the other muppets had some free time?
The fact is that it’s somehow, bizarrely, obviously true. Other cultures have reasons for their names – Culture, heritage, taste, maybe even inspired choices. We have “branding”, which is also something done to cattle.
If you search “idiotic baby names” on Google, you get a lot of responses, ranging from the profane to the bewildered owners of names on forums.
Bloomberg, meanwhile, has taken the Goldman Sachs report seriously enough, and says that “Baby names chart reveals something about important about the economy” or words to that effect. The theory is that the new range of names indicates a diversifying culture, therefore new commercial opportunities.
Didn’t think of that, did you? No wonder kids are always so suspicious of their parents. How many times have you heard a kid say, “I don’t feel diverse enough, quick, get me a pastel colored Porsche!” It’s a crime, really, isn’t it?
If traditional names are generally incredibly dull and uninspired in Anglo culture, they can be said to be less irritating. Strange names aren’t all that unusual. In Harpo Marx’s book Harpo speaks, he mentions that his friend Alexander Woollcott found the gravestone of someone named “Honesty Policy Dredge”. Compared to that, “Orgasm” sounds positively socially helpful.
If you really want to go on an instant diet, or more likely never eat again, check out Stupid Kid Names.com. Imagine calling your child Afternoon, Avalanche, Blessing, Bonanza or Brick, and read on.
