Author Katherine Winter-Sellery chatted with Digital Journal’s Markos Papadatos about her book “7 Strategies To Keep Your Relationship With Your Kids From Hitting The Boiling Point.”
Her latest book, “7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship With Your Kids from Hitting the Boiling Point,” addresses the key aspects that every parent should know. Katherine’s expertise has been featured on Atlanta & Co, Fox31 Denver, 4CBS Denver, CBS8 San Diego, and has been a guest on over 20 podcasts.
A creator of the Guidance Approach to Parenting, a program that applies conflict resolution skills to communicate more effectively within oneself and with children and others. To overcome the unconscious bias that ‘children aren’t people too’, and to realize that if we take their perspectives into consideration, treat them like they matter, then they will learn to take our perspective into consideration too. By helping parents understand that behavior is the manifestation of an unmet need, and giving them strategies beyond the basic (and dated and dangerous) method of rewards and punishments, Katherine is able to facilitate healthy relationships and introduce tranquility to their home life.
If you are looking for a book to help you navigate through the world of parenting then download, “7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship With Your Kids from Hitting the Boiling Point” today.
Why is parenting important to Katherine Winter–Sellery?
I believe that the quality of our parenting is THE BIGGEST FACTOR in the lives our children go on to live. How parents interact with children’s ups and downs, handle conflict, empower their autonomy, create a culture of peace, kindness, cooperation, and connection within the family, encourage them to speak and know their inner sense of things over blind obedience and compliance, how all of this is handled and more will directly affect that child’s mental wellbeing, motivation and sense of self.
I know from my own upbringing that fear, blind obedience, “do as you’re told or you’re a “problem child” mentality lead to lots of rebellion, retaliation, resistance. It resulted in hurt, disconnection, codependence and blurred boundaries around personal responsibility and over responsibility, denial of the self, suicide. The reach of childhood extends into the rest of our lives, getting parenting right is absolutely critical for thriving, happy, fulfilled, contributing adult’s lives.
One of the chapters in your book ‘7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship with Your Kids From Hitting The Boiling Point’, discusses the concept of ‘Relax, Recharge and Reset’. In your view why is this one of the keys that all parents should follow when raising their children?
I have been meditating for many years and also teach meditation. A relaxed mind and nervous system help keep the body out of fight/flight and allow for measured, reasonable, effective, thoughtful responses to day-to-day behavioral disruptions. If we are stressed ourselves and running on empty we snap at the littlest things let alone the big ones! Emotionally overreacting is never going to be a strong strategy!
Can you tell us about the inspiration behind the Conscious Parenting Revolution?
This directly ties back into why parenting is important to me. Having grown up in a loving ‘unconsciously unskilled’ family I have the benefit of never doubting the love, however, they didn’t model clear, congruent, conscious conversation and problem-solving. It was a family that spanked, that used power and control and intimidation and threats to get us to “behave”.
I learned to be hypervigilant not to rock the boat, keep the peace and please the parents. It wasn’t until I hit 50! that I realized I hadn’t ever separated and individuated! I had been trained to suppress my inner voice in order to keep the peace. The lack of skill was astonishing. I realize that it is transgenerational, that my folks experienced the same thing (probably worse), and that they didn’t transcend it, they repeated it.
We have to break the spells we are under and stop repeating these patterns. It’s as if we are sleepwalking. The Conscious Parenting Revolution is about waking up to our responsibility to recognize that children are people too.
We honor them when we stop marginalizing their voices and distrusting them. When I look back on my childhood now I realize that the “problem kids” in my family (one of my sisters and my brother) were actually the alarm clocks who weren’t willing to succumb to living all the lies! Who was insisting on having their experience of tyranny be part of the conversation! They were brave and they were trying to heal the rotten pattern.
My own survival instinct was to do whatever it took to not trigger or disappoint them. There were so many things off. My brother’s death by suicide has left the biggest wake, one I ponder often, how much and to what extent did unconscious parenting result in this tragic outcome? A lot.
You have given multiple TEDx Talks, what was that experience like, and was the first talk easier than the second or the third talk?
It was such an honor to have multiple TEDx talks. I have spoken on stages for decades but this felt different. As you know TEDx talks are organized at Universities by college students. I loved that I got to connect with college kids around my message.
Usually, I am speaking to parents about how using rewards and punishments activates the dance of anger and defiance and the retaliation, rebellion, and resistance (3Rs) that it generates. This opens parents’ eyes to begin wondering about different ways to handle conflicts aside from this popular, ineffective, tired, and horrible approach that reaps them harvests they don’t want and up until now didn’t know they were causing.
This time I was speaking to the college kids who had been enduring these soul destroying, marginalizing, destructive approaches. They were the ones on the receiving end. I loved that I could be a voice for them. Ultimately I am a child advocate.
The first talk was definitely the hardest, it was the first time, it was highly selective and I was so excited and nervous. We all had to meet in person in Atlanta and have a rough run of show, meet each other and meet the organizers.
It got easier as I got more comfortable, however, as I shared some of the more vulnerable parts of my life and the ways in which losing connection to my inner voice cost me dearly (TEDxGEM) it was more challenging for other reasons. I chose to share because only when our stories are shared do they have the chance to support and help others. It was still scary though.
When did you know you wanted to teach parents the skills you’ve learned?
It happened years into my own parent education journey. Initially, I was just focused on figuring out how to be the conscious parent that I wished I had had and up-leveling my own skills for my children. I took every parent training and conscious communication course I could find, wherever it was in the world! At some point, one of my teachers said I want you to take over the parenting education in HK and that was the turning point for me, that was 2003.
Her book “7 Strategies To Keep Your Relationship With Your Kids From Hitting The Boiling Point” is available on Amazon.
To learn more about Katherine Winter-Sellery, visit her official website.
