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Fourteen and still single? – It’s not the end of the world

Hamburg (dpa) – Nils is 15 and has never had a girlfriend. Carlo is 14 and is
single again, while for the last six months, 14-year-old Dana is together with
a boy who had been chasing her for a while.

The three teenagers have one thing in common, though: whether or not they have
a partner, they are relaxed about love. “It’s just never really happened,” says
comprehensive-school student Nils from Hamburg.

All the same, he wouldn’t say no if the right girl came along. And the right
one must be nice and humorous at the very least. Carlo, on the other hand,
admits that he took it badly when his girlfriend left him. The youngsters agree
that: it’s really nice to have someone who is always there for you. For these
young people though, it’s not parents who play the prime role but rather
friends and partners.

Wilfried Ferchhoff, professor of educational theory at the University of
Bielefeld, explains the trend in terms of modified family structures: “Families
are getting smaller and people have few siblings.” The consequence, he said, is
that friends assume these roles.

Indeed, many first relationships form from friendships. Like Dana, who attends
a grammar school in Hamburg. “We were good friends for quite some time and then
it sort of developed,” she says. For her at the moment, her friend is the most
important person in the world. Lisa, 14, also puts her boyfriend, who she’s
been going out with for nine months already, at the number one spot in her
life: “It’s almost the same as with a really good girlfriend, just much more
intense.”

More than anything, young people want to have fun with their partner. But they
also want to be understood by them, to have the feeling that someone is always
there for them – and of course to be loved. Faithfulness is the most important
thing: “Kissing anyone else doesn’t come into it,” says Lisa, and her
schoolmate Alina, who’s been going out with a boy for four and a half months
now and is Lisa’s best buddy, nods emphatically.

Most teens seem happy to leave it at kissing and cuddling. “We want to wait a
bit until we have sex,” say Lisa and Alina. Their 15- year-old classmate
Frederick adds: “I’m not too bothered about sex; that’s not what it’s about.”
Tender kisses and hugs are much more important, a comfort that very few young
people are prepared to do without.

These personal statements are supported by various studies. Ferchhoff’s
research into children and young people, for example, reveals that, “as far as
sex goes, young people are far more reserved today than they were 20 years
ago.” He explains this development partly with the fact that through its
ubiquity in the media sex has become so self-evident. “Young people know so
much more today.”

Michael Cantacuzene, who works for the racy German youth magazine “Bravo”, in
Munich, says irls especially have become far more self- confident of
late. “Most of them can wait and have the courage to say what they want.” He
points to “girl power” – a new, robust and proud ideal for girls and women, as
exemplified by the English pop group “Spice Girls”. “Girls are independent,
they decide for themselves and not according to models.”

Not that sex should be underestimated. “The physical side of it is still quite
important,” say friends Alina and Dana. “You really get a feeling of warmth and
attraction which a boyfriend can provide.” But neither of the girls have come
under pressure from their boyfriends or their clique about their “first
times”. “It just happened, and it was OK like that,” say the two in
unison.

Cantacuzene insists that at around the age of 14 girls in particular feel left
out if they don’t have a boyfriend. “The pressure mostly comes from their
circle of friends. That gives the impetus for a desire for a steady
relationship.”

“Rituals concerning relationships are becoming increasingly important,” is
another of youth researcher Ferchhoff’s observations. “And this has a lot to do
with traditional visions of romantic declarations of love, engagement and
grandiose weddings.” It appears that serious relationships count for more than
sexual adventures.

In any case, Dana and Aline take their relationships seriously, and they look
to spend the future with their current boyfriends. That’s their hope, anyway.
And Hamburg schoolgirl Lisa is down to earth when she says, “I hope that we
stay together forever. But it’ll come to an end one day. After all, I’m only
14!”

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