Digital Journal — They say you can’t argue with success. Maybe so, but sometimes you just want success to shut the hell up. Here are some rebels who won acclaim by struggling to get to the top — and now that they’re up there, desperately need to be taken down a peg.
J.K. Rowling
Job: Witchcraft Booster / Age: 40
Does the world really need more Harry Potter? When grown men can read children’s fantasy books on the subway without fearing a brutal beatdown, something’s wrong with our society. As for Rowling herself, there’s nothing wrong with being a mediocre writer who employs one-dimensional characters, derivative plot devices and a simplistic vocabulary. The problem is when our increasingly juvenile press hails her as a “literary genius.”
Larry King
Job: Talking Shoulders / Age: 72
After more than 20 years on the air, you’d think this disturbingly cube-shaped CNN host would want to update his wardrobe — or at least aspire to become a real journalist. Master of the Slo-Pitch interview, this guy makes Oprah look hard-hitting. And some of his questions are just baffling: He asked Jon Stewart in all sincerity if he’d like Medicare to fail, so he could have more comedic fodder. It was more misguided than derogatory.
George Lucas
Job: Special Effects Supervisor / Age: 61
If it weren’t for the flannel, grey beard and glasses, there would be nothing distinguishing Lucas as a “director.” Clearly, he suffers from autocoprophagia (look it up), because he keeps releasing the same crap over and over — Star Wars re-releases have been satiating nerds an average of once a year since it first came out. His non-stop output of idiotic merchandise (the latest: Star Wars M&Ms characters) keeps Jedi wannabes too indebted to move out of mom’s basement. Yet for some reason, George W. Bush saw it fit to give him the Medal of Science and Technology.
Stephen King
Job: Slasher Hack / Age: 58
So, 10 years after abandoning his “killer object” formula, how has the horror master reinvented himself for the new millennium? With Cell, a harrowing tale about murderous cellphones that turn people into raving lunatics. Coming soon to audiobook, an even more ludicrous and inane King thriller: Stationary Bike, where a mild-mannered artist finds himself exercising and — gasp! — bicycling to scary, scary places!
Mark Burnett
Job: Professional Distorter / Age: 45
While this superstar television producer wasn’t the first to cheapen the term survivor — that happened back in the ’70s — Burnett may be the first to destroy the notion of reality. The man who essentially invented reality TV with the Survivor franchise has been accused of directing participants, re-shooting scenes and manipulating outcomes. Perhaps the scariest thing about him: Burnett’s next venture will be a news show.
Danica Patrick
Job: Glorified Car Show Babe / Age: 24
Patrick earned fame by being the fourth woman to race in the Indianapolis 500, coming in fourth after causing a four-car pileup. Oh yeah, and she’s also really hot. She attracted much media attention after competing driver Robby Gordon complained that her relatively tiny weight gave her a huge speed advantage. While this discrepancy is already addressed by NASCAR, Gordon was immediately attacked by the press for being whiny, sexist and far too scientifically accurate.
Madonna
Job: Aging Lounge Act / Age: 47
Not content with tarnishing the Catholic Church, Madonna is now destroying what little remains of Kabbalah’s reputation. Can she please take up Scientology next? While her schizophrenic fashion sense still earns her 24/7 media coverage, Madonna needs to realize that dressing in roller-disco booty shorts won’t entice fans — not when the world has already seen her untamed snapper in that Sex book. Not to mention Playboy, Penthouse and Granny Fetish (coming soon).
Martha Stewart
Job: Book Cooker / Age: 64
We all know Martha Stewart was punished for insider trading, causing ImClone’s shareholders to lose $450 million (US), and Lord knows how many people lost their jobs. But hey, she comes up with good recipes, right? No, actually her long-suffering staff does. Besides, good recipes are a dime a dozen; The Food Network features about a bajillion of these arugula-slinging jackasses. Why not give them all your cash and devotion, instead of this notoriously vicious, greedy felon?
Paris Hilton
Job: Sluttified Heiress / Age: 25
In a perfect world, this vacuous celebretard could have been Exhibit A for justifying tax hikes on the ultra-rich. Instead, the seemingly endless media bombardment of this flat-assed, lazy-eyed designer clotheshorse will only serve to justify increased terror attacks on the West. She’s also largely responsible for the mainstreaming of such pervert-class phraseologies as “cameltoe” and “nip slip.”
Tom Cruise
Job: Psychiatry Expert / Age: 43
Tom, you are a semi-talented, if occasionally typecast actor. Your good looks and mild demeanour were enough to make Rosie O’Donnell feign heterosexuality. But your recent crimes against humanity simply cannot go unpunished. From your public abduction of child bride Katie Holmes, to your mortifying couch-jumping antics, to your shadowy connivances in getting that great South Park episode pulled — it’s become increasingly evident that a deprogramming is in order.
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