Ted had been talking freely about himself and his child, and then he stopped
and looked up at the ceiling. The ten other men in the room, seated in a
circle along with me as the facilitator, all waited patiently and with some
curiosity for him to continue. We had gathered to discuss the challenges for
fathers raising children with disabilities. Before long the waiting became
uneasy. So I asked if there was anything else he wanted to share. Still
looking at the ceiling, he answered hesitantly, “There’s so much I want to
say, but if I say any more, I’ll cry…and I don’t think I’ll be able to
stop.”
It became obvious that he was looking up in order to keep the tears in his
eyes from overflowing. As he slowly lowered his head and faced the other
men, a tear rolled slowly down his left cheek. What an awkward but tender
expression of male emotion. The man who was sitting on Ted’s right reached
over and put his arm around his comrade. This incident was the catalyst for
the other men to open up, and many did so with tears in their eyes and deep
feelings.
One man’s reluctant openness released the other men from the taboo against
expressing their depth of feeling. Is it because we have held it in so long
that men believe that if we cry the tears won’t stop? Most of us were
taught, “big boys don’t cry.” To enforce that injunction, those who couldn’t
hold back the tears had to endure the humiliation of being called a “girl”
or a “sissy” or a “fairy.” But where do the tears go? Perhaps as my own
father once observed, “we men just cry on the inside.”
Having a child with special needs often helps a man to open up, and this
helps his family-but another example of how the child teaches the parent.
Psychologist Robert Naseef is the author of Special Children, Challenged
Parents: The Struggles and Rewards of Raising a Child With a Disability. You
may want to contact Dr. Naseef at rnaseef@alternativechoices.com to send a
question or a topic to be addressed in a future column.
