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Op-Ed: Inauguration insights — Digital Journal's new pundits chime in

Posted Jan 20, 2017 by Digital Journal Staff
Digital Journal is happy to present the first in our hard-biting series of lighthearted commentary on the politics we find ourselves gnawing on today.
Crowd on the National Mall during inauguration ceremonies for Donald Trump in Washington  DC on Janu...
Crowd on the National Mall during inauguration ceremonies for Donald Trump in Washington, DC on January 20, 2017
Paul J. Richards, AFP/File
Swampland: your day of days has come. Roll out the slip and slide so the ancient, crusty creatures of the Virginia mucklands can vacate Washington at slick, high speed. That’s right, the Drainer in Chief has finally taken over.
It was a gorgeous day in the capital. There was a real feeling of intimacy as the official inauguration acts mingled comfortably with the attendees. Acts like Piano Guys and Jackie Evancho strolled through their audience with nobody batting an eye to make them feel out of place. This must be the rising spirit of a people’s America, allowing such distinguished entertainers to be treated like any other minority voter.
Of course, the day wasn’t free of controversy: Trump’s hair transplant industry contacts were present in full effect, as were the Association for Russian Girls of Reduced Social Responsibility, two big donors to his party platform. Trump helped put concerns about special interests aside by stating, “I will fight *sniff* for you with *sniff* every breath in *sniff* my body and *sniff* I will never *sniff* ever let *sniff* you down.”
On the other side of town, the Women’s March was encouraged to keep their optimism quiet and to smile – because they look prettier that way – by D.C. riot police. Reports of paid ‘professional knitters’ seem exaggerated, bigly.
Apart from the massive rally, and the radical acts of discontent, the patriotism at the inauguration was overflowing — just like the aptly named Don’s Johns portable toilets that were placed around Washington in anticipation of effusive crowds.
The new President shone with the rays of a thousand gold-plated escalators today as he swore in on three tremendous bibles. He was slated to use only two, but after hitting it off with Vlad Putin so well, the Russian strongman decided to lend the old official KGB bible for Trump to keep by his bedside. The lush copy of scripture comes complete with mechanical bookmark and attached, intermittently flashing red night light. The new President just couldn’t say no.
Keep your eyes peeled for more special updates from Ronney & Baloney, and for more great political coverage from our writers here at Digital Journal.