Op-Ed: Hunting for best #RoyalBaby tweet, needing better things to do

Posted Jul 23, 2013 by Marcus Hondro
Does it seem odd that millions of us on this strange planet were staring at an iPhone or computer at the same time Tuesday, on a crazy hunt for something clever to tweet about a newly-minted #RoyalBaby? Don't we need better things to do?
Prince William and his wife  Catherine  Duchess of Cambridge  show off their baby
Prince William and his wife, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, show off their baby
Screengrab via CBC
Couples in countries all over the world sat in living-rooms on separate iphones together and read about Kate and Will's famous offspring, a fellow who simply by careening down and out his famous mother's birth canal became third in line to the British throne. Of course who can blame us? After all - he's the first royal baby to be announced on Twitter!
#RoyalBaby: Not quite so funny
So tonight, despite being new to Twitter, like thousands, I, @marcushondro, sat and tried writing a great tweet about #RoyalBaby. You`d think the Royal family rich material with escapades (Harry in Vegas) and fun personalities (Prince Phillip) but nothing was coming. I worked on getting 'mewling and puking' in there, a Shakespeare reference, but couldn't pull it off. Here's the two I finally tweeted:
1. Congrats #RoyalBaby, but keep a good eye on him, Kate and Will - Taylor Swift is single!
2. The #RoyalBaby hasn't done a bleedin' thing yet and already he's famous. Who does he think he is - Kim Kardashian?
The first doesn't really work, if Taylor Swift went for young men it would be better, but she mostly just goes for lots of men. The second, still with the female celebrity theme, is a little cliché but it's okay. No one's likely to read them anyhow, my wife says that my tweets will be ignored until I start following others. "You have to follow and retweet," she twittered. "And keep sending tweets or no one will follow you. You have to get with the program!"
Naming #RoyalBaby Adolf
I may not be fully with the program yet but my #RoyalBaby tweets weren't that far behind most of what I found out there. And unlike me, just entering the game, the tweets I refer to were written by veteran tweeters, celebs, some of whom have thousands of followers and have tweeted hundreds of times. Here's four of the better ones:
1. "Prince Williams heir is falling out." U.K. animator/actor Darren Walsh.
2. "Pretty insensitive of the media to report that the royal baby is a boy before it's had a chance to establish its own gender identity." Writer Charles W. Cooke.
3. "My marriage is in shambles & I have six-figure medical debt, but this royal baby is giving me a newfound sense of hope & wonder." American comic Rob Delaney (he's got tons of followers and is heralded as a great tweeter, but maybe flubbed it this time).
4. "If I were Wills & Kate I'd definitely call it Adolf just to collect on some serious fucking odds at Ladbrokes." Comic/actor/writer Ricky Gervais.
Funny tweets about Clint Eastwood
Okay so not such great material on this night but there are laughs out there. For example people tweeted funny things when Clint Eastwood did that rambling talk at the Republican National Convention last August. I did a story on it at the time and so have at the ready the best 5 tweets on that loopy lecture Mr. Eastwood gave to a defenseless, inanimate, hapless-seeming chair:
5. "Guessing they didn't rehearse this." NBC's Chuck Todd.
4. "Referring all questions to Salvador Dali." tweeter Ben LaBolt.
3. "Clint Eastwood is now backstage arguing with a vending machine." comic Daryn Jones.
2. "Clint Eastwood on phone with Obama: 'It all went according to plan,sir.'" Chris Rock.
1. "I demand to see Invisible Obama's invisible birth certificate." writer Michael Schaffer.
Maybe one day we'll lose our obsession for all this but for now when either something big is going on, like the Grammys, an election or a royal baby, or something big happens, like Justin Bieber pisses in a mop bucket or Dennis Rodman becomes best friends with Kim Jong-un, we take to Twitter. Some nights funny, others less so.
But though #RoyalBaby was a bit of a dud, it doesn't really matter. We'll move on to the next thing anyway, when that next thing makes itself known. Already I don't feel a fever to write a good #RoyalBaby anymore, that need has vanished. However, with the next major event, the next scandal, there is a high likelihood it will return.
So yeah, me, and a whole lot of other people, we do need something better to do. But until I find that something look for me @marcushondro.