Op-Ed: The Lance Armstrong Joke Book

Posted Mar 17, 2013 by Alexander Baron
Lance Armstrong was once a prize winning athlete, now he is the butt of risqué jokes, and his inspiring life story? You can't give it away.
Ever heard of Ally MacLeod? Ask a Scotsman, and he'll probably answer no. Ally MacLeod, who died in 2004, was the manager of the Scottish Football Team. In 1978, England failed to qualify for the world cup, which was extremely disappointing, because 12 years earlier they had won the title. All domestic hopes were thus pinned on Scotland, and Ally MacLeod talked a good fight. His team was eliminated before the knock out stage, and he returned in disgrace. Perhaps unwisely he published his autobiography the following year: The Ally MacLeod Story. It retailed for £5.99, but could shortly be found remaindered in a Leeds bookstore for 60p.
Lance Armstrong - an inspirational life? Few would say that now.
Lance Armstrong - an inspirational life? Few would say that now.
Lance Armstrong has gone one better, because his "inspirational" life story turned up in a London library for 20p, which allowing for inflation, beats Ally MacLeod by some margin, but there is a big difference between a noble loser or even a humiliated loser and a cheating liar or lying cheat.
Armstrong garnered a great deal of sympathy because of his medical condition. Seventeen years ago he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that metastatized to other parts of his body, including his brain. Incredibly, he emerged from this long, dark tunnel with little more to show for his ordeal than an amputated testicle. He also set up a foundation for people like himself. The Lance Armstrong Foundation has now been renamed the Livestrong Foundation; a sanitised version of his life story can be found on its website. He resigned from its leadership last year. That is now as good as it is likely to get.
After telling all to Oprah Winfrey, Armstrong, the Jeffrey Archer of cycling, is facing a plethora of lawsuits, including by the US Government, but look on the bright side, as Donald O'Connor once said, Make 'Em Laugh, and that is what Lance is doing now, although for reasons of taste and decency, most of the jokes about him that are currently peppering cyberspace cannot be reprinted here.
Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims. It would have been more convincing if he'd used a plane.
Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.
Und so weiter.