Op-Ed: The Liberal Manifesto
Blessed are the ineffectual, the verbose and the mindlessly politically correct. Let no form of actual achievement scar our noble cause. Let human misery continue until we figure out how to form a committee to deal with it.
Let us not tarry in mere relevance. Let our endless enthusiasm wind up in some collection of retrospective historical babble.
Therefore we hold these truths to be self-serving:
· The social concerns of others are political mechanisms, never to be vindicated by any success whatsoever in managing issues.
· We shall refuse at all times under all circumstances to acknowledge the need for working methodologies to deal with issues.
· We shall scrupulously fail to introduce Green economics and technologies at every available opportunity, much less explain them and their cost benefits.
· We shall not figure out how to shut out the Black Bloc
from liberal demonstrations.
· We shall not condescend to comprehend the means by which society is corrupted and destroyed. Instead we shall bleat our outrage from elected office.
· The endless lack of initiative in dealing with the total collapse of society, poverty
, crime, employment, technology, health and environmental issues must be maintained at all costs.
· Thou shalt quote from previously agreed positions of liberalism
until chickens invent space flight and disco revivals.
· Simpering is an alternative strategy to ending human suffering.
· Inner city PR people are naturally in love with liberals, so we’ll trust them with our public image at all times.
· Our intolerance is better than anyone else’s intolerance.
· We will at all costs portray liberalism and liberal values as some sort of half arse second childhood.
· Politics is the process of conspicuously sincere people being disingenuous on a regular basis. We think we feel better now.
· We will conduct infantile wrangles with conservatives on principle, because whatever it was is their fault.
· When in possession of irrefutable facts, we will fudge the information at every available opportunity.
· We will set no standards for our own performance, ever.
· We will never, under any conditions including the imminent demise of planet Earth, ever get organized enough to get anything done.
· We will spout feminism, environmentalism and social justice without making any effort to clarify issues or serve the public interest in any way.
· We will espouse the rights of workers without ever mentioning in any shape or form for decades at a time the endless abuses of the workforce.
· We shall ensure that economics is never considered a liberal discipline, and create our policies accordingly.
· We will opt for uncoordinated, semi-conscious strategies when in a position to change the world.
· We will refuse to recognize the distinction between real conservatives and the tedious noisy well-paid fecal materials claiming to be conservatives. That’s just in case there’s any danger of dialog.
· We shall be self-righteous at all times, never admitting mistakes or descending to damage control.
In the name of Rachel Carson’s feathers, so help us publicists and useless hangers on, Umm.. means…?
One of the joys of being a Green liberal progressive is the pleasure of seeing so many people doing so little about so much. Get the act together, idiots.