Op-Ed: BBC PC idiots rewrite Humpty Dumpty

Posted Oct 23, 2009 by Paul Wallis
Humpty Dumpty is recovering nicely, you’ll be pleased to hear. All the King’s men made Humpty “happy again”, according to a BBC rewrite of one of the English language’s classic children’s nursery rhymes.
A Humpty Dumpty figure
A Humpty Dumpty figure
by paul peracchia
The story, therefore, is if you’re an egg, and you fall off a wall, you’re going to be OK because there’s a whole society of people to help you. Nothing to worry about, kids, go sit on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty, for those who don’t know, was a cautionary tale about an opinionated egg who was the classic example of a fool. However, given the general standard of literacy in PC Paradise, I suppose that we shouldn’t be surprised.
There are great possibilities for the rest of the children’s nursery rhymes, too.
The Big Bad Wolf will become a rather hilarious vegetarian social worker. So much for Stranger Danger in its original form.
The Brothers Grimm will become the Siblings Cheerful.
Hansel and Gretel will be fine in the kettle.
The Babes in the Wood will be recommended to use bread crumbs as navigational replacements for the GPS system.
Old Mother Hubbard’s dog will get counseling and be trained to become a good member of society and stop playing the flute.
When the bough breaks, somebody will tell baby about accident insurance, child neglect, and the law of gravity. Until then, everything’s fine.
Exactly how far up the sainted sphincter of oblivion do you have to be to rewrite nursery rhymes? What diseased illiterate cockroach came up with this one? In what unfortunate set of random matings of indiscreet garden furniture were these people born?
Do they, or do they not, teach anybody the meaning of anything? As it is, we have a generation of literalists who quite honestly think every word ever written should be interpreted literally.
Try it. The only book you can read literally is a phone book. So this is the mentality which has taken it upon itself to rewrite the history of English Childhood. I have a copy of the original Oxford Nursery Rhymes, and I swear I’m now seriously deciding up whose appropriate orifice to put it. That’ll be educational, unlike this seeping timidity which is turning the written word into an excuse for ignorance.
This is unforgivable, the absolute nadir of a culture that has no idea who it is any more and wouldn’t understand it if it was told.
Who told the bloody BBC it was some sort of moral interpreter? Didn’t these damn PC peasants have a childhood?
Not only does this mindless servile act of vandalism remove the entire basis of the cultural form, it also undermines the learning process. Why would a kid need reassurance that a half-witted egg was OK?
The real horror of PC rewrites is that it misrepresents the entire culture. “Everything’s fine” isn’t the message of this culture, or this time in history. The average infant, if able to eat properly, and missed by most of the bullets, diseases and psychoses, might have managed to figure that out by the time it’s taking an interest in Humpty’s welfare.
We’re going to wind up with a collection of kids who’ll be looking for reassurance every time they see media, and who’ll have the survival skills of lemmings, because “everything’s fine”. They’ll also have the cultural orientation of these pitiful BBC prats who apparently haven’t noticed which country they’re living in.
The insect that rewrote Shakespeare so he’d be “nice” was a guy called Bowdler. He was to the English language what text messaging is to PhD theses. This is called Bowdlerization. It’s been cursed by anyone able to read for most of the last century, the epitome of literary ineptitude.
This is BBC-ization. Apologize, BBC, or take the consequences.