Youth Revival on Flickr Pastor preaching to teens with hands raised in surrender to God. The front of the stage is a make shift alter. image:39466:0::0

"Here I come to the Heart of Worship, and it's all about you, it's all about you Jesus."

The crowd sways back in forth as the same line repeats over and over, each time a swell of emotion showing from the crowd. Teenage girls begin crying, teenage boys smile with eyes closed and arms in surrender to heaven, and a pastor climbs up on stage.

"I think we are feeling it, feeling the holy spirit among us," he says and indicates to the band leader to play that line and sing it softly in the background as he begins his speech.

"Oh yes, Jesus, we thank you for sending the holy spirit down among us as we praise your glorious name," he begins with a prayer. " You see Jesus, he is real, his holy spirit is among us right now, can you feel it? Can you feel that lifting, that love, coming upon you in waves of his agape? Oh, Oh yes I think you do."

The pastor begins to walk through the crowd. " God can feel your pain, God can hear you, and when you come to him in humble worship you will be healed."

As he says the words, God can hear you the crowd begins to deepen in their fervor some laugh, some cry, and some respond with a "Yes, Jesus!"

The pastor continues, "Yes he can hear you, he can hear the cries of your heart. God can understand any grunt, any groan, and any cry. He can hear and the Holy Spirit will come down."

A sound of babbling and gibberish begins to flow from the mouths of some of the youth and the pastor just smiles. " Yes, Jesus." He allows this to continue for a few more moments before speaking again.

" Yes the Holy Spirit is among us, those of you blessed with the baptism, speaking in the tongues of the spirit can feel God's love right now. Those of you who have not received the baptism of the holy spirit and want it come forward. Remember, God will not give you the baptism if you are not ready for it, because God is a gentleman, he does not enforce his will on anyone. So if you do not receive this gift, ask yourself, in your heart, what are you afraid of?"

Teens come up in droves and line the front of the stage which is a makeshift alter, the adult youth leaders file behind them, waiting. The pastor begins to walk past the youth, now speaking in tongues of his own and places his hand upon their heads. As he goes past some of the kids fall back, seeming to faint, others sway a bit and the pastor stops at them praying harder and laying his hands upon their head again and again till they too fall over. The teens are "slain in the spirit," fainting as the holy spirit baptizes them and washes over them.

Finally the pastor gets to me, he lays his hands on my head and I feel, nothing, nothing at all. I am crying because I so want to feel this wonderful feeling of God's love that so many around me have. I wonder what is wrong with my heart that I cannot feel his love. Then the pastor stops and works on me for a bit, finally I feel his hand on my head and he physically pushes me. As I collect myself and stand up a gaggle of girls are hugging me, so happy I was baptized in the holy spirit, I begin to speak the gibberish like the rest, but I still feel empty.

N/A Slain in the Spirit image:39467:0::0

That was the beginning of the end for me, It was at that point my eyes were opened to the pain I was feeling. A pain that was explained to me as a lack of love for God, my heart being hard to his advances, but it was actually the pain caused by the abuse of those around me.

Before that day I was so desperate for the love of God that I listened to anyone who deemed themselves "godly." I would be counseled by peers as well as elders. People who made me feel like I was beneath them, ignorant, and bereft of all that was holy.

I am sure my experiences are far different and less intense than the members of FLDS, however I feel it is important that people understand what conditioning and spiritual abuse can lead to, and that it is not as easy to "lead" children raised in this type of environment because despite the impression they are far from suggestible.

Case in point, evolution. Despite what scientific minds would have you think, the people of the church who contest the Theory of Evolution are far from undereducated idiots. It is not that they have not been exposed to nor have access to any of the findings of Darwin and his students, it is that they were taught to believe in the literal translation of the Bible. This is not a "world is flat" type of argument because the "world is flat" is not something supported by text of the Bible, unlike the 6 day creation and short life cycle of earth.

While adults coming into the cult have to wash their brains of all previous "delusions," children are conditioned from birth to believe that the Bible is literal and that all else is false. These kids are not suggestible, else they would not openly argue and challenge science teachers about the legitimacy of the Theory of Evolution. I was witness to this in my own science class, none of the evidence produced by the teacher was received by my "Pentecostal" peers. In their defense, none of the well substantiated evidence that challenged the path of Evolution would be acknowledge by my science teacher. Both parties were not suggestible, they did not bend, they did not move, they stood firm, child and adult alike. However, I saw the merits to both, and because of that I was looked upon with distrust from my fellow Jesus Freaks. In the end they told my biology teacher that he was going to Hell for not believing in God. In fact he did believe in God.

Their very disrespectful outburst was encouraged by our youth pastors who taught the merits of being "radical" like Jesus. If you weren't radical you didn't really believe, and you did not love God. You were "luke warm" a term saved for only those God would "spit from his mouth," for he would not accept a person who was not burning for him, and could tolerate better one who was cold. We were taught the 7 years we were teenagers we were to be radical warriors for Jesus. There was a poem that went with this mindset.

Yes as a matter of fact I am a;
wide eyed, sanctified,
blood bought, spirit taught,
Bible totin', scripture quotin',
satan bashin', sin trashin',
Christ following, pride swallowing,
hard praying, truth conveying,
faith walking, gospel talking
bonafide big time believer AND PROUD OF IT!!

Seems like harmless little interpretation of Romans 1:16, but put that poem in the middle of the hype and sensationalism portrayed in the above narrative and it takes a different connotation. So we were to get off of our "blessed ASSurance," and to "push our boundaries," and "get out of our comfort zone," when it comes to our faith in God. We were to proudly proclaim "I love Jesus," and to not become ashamed and then pretend we actually said "I love Cheezits."

When you are part of a group, whether it is a pentecostal faith church or the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, mass hysteria and hype are the tools used by the puppet masters and the followers to keep their "weaker" peers in line. Yes, if you questioned the doctrine or your pastor and peers ( not matter how much it was encouraged) you were called luke warm. This was a mild form of control, from luke warmness you could always be "set on fire" for God. You could be saved again if you rededicated your life to Jesus. Which reminds me, the process of becoming "saved." I was saved when I was still young before I broke from the church for a short while. I did not come to Jesus out of love, I already loved him that wasn't a question in my heart. However, I was told a horrifying story about a child who went to Hell because even though he went to church he never "gave" himself in formal ceremony to God. I was crying my eyes out at the end, grabbed a youth counselor and had them pray with me. I was ridden with guilt because I never prayed that prayer, I was scared into becoming saved. At least now I knew God heard how much I loved him and he wouldn't reject me.

If telling a child they are going to Hell because they did not perform a public ritual isn't abuse, then I don't know what is.

Of the many reasons people told me I was going to Hell, one of the most absurd was because I missed youth group to perform in a community play. I came back after the play and was rejected by my so-called friends. They said I was a "back slider." A back slider, or someone who is back slidden is someone who turned their back on God and was sliding into Hell. The term back slider was worse than luke warm, because it expressed a willing turning from God and giving into temptation of sin. A back slider was Hellbound if there was not an intervention.

Another reason that frustrated me to no end was because I happened to *gasp* like boys. It wasn't just that I liked boys that upset them, but when I grew older I found out the my inherent sexuality intimidated people. I didn't know my walk was seductive, I didn't know I was a flirt, I didn't know I danced inappropriately when I thought I was swaying like everyone else. God gave me gifts that were meant to attract men ( at least real men) and to please my husband ( and boy is he pleased). To them I was just a slut, and should be wearing the Scarlet A because they assumed I was having premarital sex, or Adultery. In fact I did not lose my virginity till I had broken completely from the church and I had turned 18. I did have standards and I didn't need some cobweb crotched woman telling me to keep them closed.

After being pushed down "in the holy spirit," I started questioning why I allowed myself to be hurt by these people. I started asking them why they were so arrogant to presume I was going to hell. I became confrontational, in your face and not in their precious radical way. They knew I was breaking from the flock, and their last ditch attempt to control me was to try to make me a youth leader because I was so " thirsty for knowledge, hungry for God." I was not part of the "godly" clique though, so that attempt was wasted as I was met with sneers from the populars, I guess that would be a more worldly equivalent of the godly teens.

I was one of the few who was able to escape from the mindset, but there were so many who did not. I was told I was ignorant, unfaithful, unholy, and that I did not love God or Jesus. I was made to feel inferior as people responded to mass hysteria and hype and looked down on me for not doing it too. I still respond to the trigger words, many I have used in this article, except I don't feel life or love, but anger and bitterness when I hear them. My husband will attest I still yell at the TV when I see a brainwashed cultist on the news spouting the same BS.

I have tried to explain the ritualistic abuse that can be had in a cult, but I know people will never really understand if they haven't been through it. When it comes to the FLDS compound, I would hope people would listen to those who come forward, those who broke away from the women to the "Lost Boys." They know what they are talking about, they know the type of conditioning/brainwashing the children have been through and that deprogramming them would be near impossible especially if they have reached plasticity.

It is important that I end this with a small note. The people who did this to me were not bad, they were not evil, they were simply doing what they were taught to do. In their hearts they thought they were helping me and saving me from myself. They thought they were doing good and they did much good along with the bad. The cults cannot sustain if there wasn't a feeling of family and togetherness. It is the manipulation to keep a person from being weak or confused that keeps them under control for fear of their spiritual eternity. The men and women of the FLDS compound are not evil, they are not horrible, for the most part. These people believe that we are sinners trying to deceive them, they truly believe their life is right. They lie in public because they have been told to, so the sinners will not try to get them. I am speaking in generalizations because I do not know all of their teachings, but I know enough from my own experiences that most of these people are not bad people. They are still wrong, they are still abusing the children and each other, and they are still accountable to our laws.