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Op-Ed: While at CIA’s secret Area 51 base, I spy with my little eye...

By Barry Ellsworth     Feb 15, 2014 in Politics
Las Vegas - Area 51, the most secret air base on the planet, does exist, the CIA was forced to admit after documents were declassified and made public last summer – but a few days ago, there was a new development.
Area 51, the most secret base on the planet, is in the Nevada desert and is run by the CIA. It is a base dedicated to aliens and their close allies, the Republican Party.
The Nevada facility was thought to be the base from which scientists tracked UFOs and aliens, true, but there’s more.
Wednesday, US whistleblower Edward Snowden emailed this reporter secret documents that confirm Area 51 is also the headquarters of the Republican Party.
The documents contain another bombshell – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus and his buddy, Fox News host Bill ‘The Rant’ O’Reilly, both played Klingons in a Star Trek episode.
The bombshell? They were not acting, they are authentic aliens, which explains why Fox News and the Republican Party are so out of touch with the human condition.
In a deal I worked out with the CIA, I was given exclusive rights to investigate Area 51 in exchange for my silence concerning Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. (I have evidence proving that he is also an…well, the deal is I must remain silent.)
Anyway, I did a tour of Area 51, Friday, and discovered conservative AM talk radio mouthpieces Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity hiding under a rock, trying to make a baby by artificial insemination. Don’t ask me why, because I do not know. I just ran.
Noted Republicans I uncovered at Area 51 included Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who was back at work at the facility after a vacation at his hunting lodge, which once carried an inappropriate name; former Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain, who was chanting, “Nine, Nine, Nine”; and former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who was ensconced in a high tower at Area 51 and claimed she could see Russia from there.
Authorities admitted that the aliens, who had several UFOs in the GOP parking lot, and Republicans shared the facility and get along famously. It was a hand-and-glove fit.
In fact, retiring Minnesota GOP Congresswoman Michele Bachmann had just assumed her new position at Area 51 as head of the Republican Space Cadet Program and said she had been able to recruit several aliens into the fold, including stand-your-ground poster boy George Zimmerman, Ann ‘Bad Witch’ Coulter and Mark ‘The Mouth’ Levin, alleged far-right catamite wannabe.
This reporter spotted a gigantic flag of GOP hero Ronald Reagan flying above the headquarters building, and Republican Paul Ryan explained the hope was that some of the former president’s popularity would trickle down on them.
There was a religious building in Area 51 called The Church of Ultimate Denial. Guest pastor was Republican Congressman John Shimkus, who was preaching a sermon entitled “Global Warming Won’t Destroy The Planet Because God Promised Noah It Wouldn’t.”
At the end of a three-hour tour of Area 51, the Skipper and Gilligan arrived on the S.S. Minnow to spirit me away.
And so we bid adieu to the Republican Party, in both the imaginary and the real world.
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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