Remember meForgot password?
    Log in with Twitter

article imageOp-Ed: NSA has Santa's naughty and nice list (Satire)

By Robert Weller     Dec 25, 2013 in Lifestyle
Colorado Springs - The government will not have to spend millions of dollars this year to track Santa. They already know his route, right down to street addresses, thanks to NSA spying.
Just to be safe they will follow him with jets to make sure he doesn't depart from his flight plan.
The agency has monitored letters to Santa from children seeking presents, and knows who has been naughty and who has been nice, according to the Duffel Blog.
The online publication, much like the Onion, is put out by ex-military members.
It said the latest operation costs $231 million and is “known as MILK COOKIES, based out of Fort Meade and run in conjunction with the US Postal Service.”
Mainstream media have already reported that the NSA uses “cookies,” which trace Internet traffic to make it easier for a user to go back to a source already visited.
For those who think the whole operation, including the yearly made-up reports of tracking Santa, are silly, a source said: ”We’re only looking for any unusual presents, like children who ask Santa for pressure cookers, large amounts of ammonium nitrate fertilizer, hyzadrine rocket fuel, things like that. I mean a six-year old with a hammer is bad enough; just try to imagine that same six-year old with a truck bomb.”
Easter Bunny traffic also will be monitored.
The Voice of Russia said the growing number of children asking for presents is forcing Santa to invest in drones, which will cost billions. Elves can’t keep up with demand and will be replaced with robots.
Alex Hillsberg of Finance Online said children will be fitted with monitoring devices, which will eliminate the need for Santa to check children twice.
He will also be aided by a giant database, much like the one the NSA has in Utah.
The latest spying isn’t going unnoticed. The American Civil Liberties Union has put out a two-minute video urging people to stop the NSA. It is called “The NSA is coming to town.”
One gift Santa can't deliver is privacy. NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a message broadcast in Britain, said: “A child born today will grow up with no conception of privacy at all.”
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
More about Santa claus, Norad, Spying, Aclu, ELVES
Latest News
Top News