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article imageOp-Ed: Lock and load, America — Wild turkeys make for damn fine dining

By Barry Ellsworth     Feb 9, 2014 in Food
Minneapolis - There's enough firepower in America to make the feathers fly off wild turkeys that are running rampant and threatening people in Minnesota and Massachusetts.
Reading about how a wild turkey chased an UPS driver around his truck recently as hospital workers on lunch break from the University of Minnesota Hospital looked on, I could only think: “It’s the United States of America, for God’s sake, whip out a gun and blast the bothersome bugger.”
Like George Zimmerman, stand your ground, and fire.
So was the UPS guy not packing heat?
More likely he was black. If you are black you should to hand your gun to a white person to do the shooting, just to avoid trouble.
If you think wild turkeys can be aggressive, you should witness the reaction of a white cop when he spots a black man with a gun. Talk about feathers flying.
There are an estimated 7 million wild turkeys in the United States, and the number of guns is guessed at more than 300 million.
That’s about 42.85 weapons that fire bullets for every turkey, if my math skills haven’t failed me, so the turkeys are badly outgunned. They would be no match for the gun-loving citizenry. But then if you pooled all the guns in all the countries in the rest of the world, it still wouldn’t match the privately-owned firepower in the States.
Minnesota is not the only state to have a problem with a thriving population of wild turkeys.
Dave Scarpitti, a wildlife biologist for the Massachusetts Division of Fisheries and Wildlife, told ABC News that the wild turkeys have multiplied quickly after once being thought on the brink of extinction.
“They have expanded beyond what we ever would have thought,” he said. “They are versatile, adaptive and very successful at breeding.”
In other words, they are like the Tea Party. After dumping tea into the harbor in Boston, a few hundred years ago, we thought they were extinct, too. But look at them now. It must be something in the Massachusetts water.
Scarpitti also said the wild turkeys are smart. That’s different than their domestic brothers and sisters. Ask any farmer — a farm-raised turkey is so dumb it must be brought in out of the rain or it would stay out and drown.
Sort of like Sarah “I can see Russia from my house” Palin. That’s not exactly what dear Sarah said, but it is close enough to be classed as a turkey talking.
Soon, it will be Easter. Ham is a traditional meal unless you are Jewish, but turkey is good, too. It is a perfect time to take out a Tom.
Lock and load, you Second Amendment diehards, it’s time you got the bird.
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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