U.N. Security Council member countries are at last going to carry out massive bombing attacks and political assassinations in those half-assed countries which just can’t be trusted not to start bickering and fighting with their neighbors. The decision also applies to countries which can’t get it together to stop their puny little civil wars and the attacks will begin just after lunch next Thursday, which is in five days’ time.
The initiative is the first of a series of projects contained in the U.N.’s ‘Quick-Fix Solutions to World Problems’ Resolution N° LIE001BIG.
Critics have slammed the plan, saying that the initiative is no more than a cheap ploy by the U.N. to restore its tattered reputation after having failed to sort out even one teeny-weeny little conflict properly in the whole of its 65 years of pathetically ineffectual existence. They’re right of course, but who the hell cares? After all, just goes to show that it’s never too late to atone for one’s mistakes.
Hailed as “a recipe for everlasting fraternal peace and an end to war on Earth” by U.N. General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon, the plan calls for the Five permanent Security Council members - China, France, Russia, the United Kingdom and the United States – to take responsibility for areas within geographical reach of their borders and obliterate all warring countries they find there.
Lucky France gets to attack first, (and please, no jokes - however justified - about this being the first time in history that the French have actually wanted to fight instead of leaving the fighting to others while they laze around in the sun drinking wine and eating camembert and garlic) and will concentrate on Africa, which it knows well, by launching carpet bombing runs on Thursday afternoon against corrupt and mafia-ridden hellholes like Kenya, Sudan, Somalia, the Ivory Coast and many others. It is believed that France was chosen because it installed all the puppet government of all the corrupt leaders in Africa because France is so involved in corrupti..sorry politically active there, so they are the only ones who actually know how to find those insignificant excuses for countries on a map.
Britain will attack European trouble spots on Thursday evening in order to avoid their bombers having mid-air afternoon collisions with their cognac-drinking French counterparts as they fly back to France in celebratory mood after their fun in the African afternoon sun. There aren’t any European trouble spots, truth be told, but the occasion to get rid of Berlusconi and Merkel is seen as being just too good to miss. Serbia will also be flattened as a precautionary measure, just in case it is thinking of repeating its Bosnian war shenanigans. The brave and plucky bulldog British planes will then proceed up north to those trouble-making and pesky little Baltic countries, which they will mop up and wipe off the face of the earth like crumbs from the table on their way home for tea and biscuits. It is rumored that Btitain would have loved to have been able to use the occasion to get rid of the Irish once and for all but the ever-squabbling Paddies were spared because they were judged to be "making an effort this last few years." Can't have everything I suppose. Never mind though, stiff upper lip and all that, jolly good stuff what and tally-ho chaps!
Russia gets the Middle East. Aren’t they the lucky ones then! But seeing as almost all Mideast countries are at war or have civil wars, the Russians will exceptionally be authorized to use nuclear weapons to speed up what would otherwise be a very long process. There are, after all, so many countries to visit. In a humanitarian gesture of goodwill however, Israel will be allowed to slug it out a max for the next three days with Palestine and Iran. After all, all three of them have been longing to rip each other’s throats out for years now, so it would be a bit harsh to deprive them of their dream before oblivion hits them. A brownie point to the U.N. for its kind consideration in this matter, it must be said.
China is responsible for both Koreas (the Chiness insisted on decimating both of them, saying that although they agreed that the only real problem was North Korea, the South Koreans were “A smug and self-satisfied bunch of rice-eating iPod-wearing mobile phone wielding consumerist scum and they make us feel jealous and inadequate so they deserve to disappear as well." “Oh, OK then, if it’ll make you happy” said Ban Ki-Moon in a spirit of cameradely cooperation and compromise never seen before in the whole history of the U.N. India and Pakistan are also on their list, but repeated demands to wipe out Japan while they were at it were dismissed as wishing for petty revenge because the Nips thrashed them in some poxy war a long time ago.
The United States will not be involved in the actual attacks however, claiming that they’d fought more wars than all the others put together over the last 50 years and thus deserved a rest. The others agreed with this somewhat surprising request after the normally money-grubbing- tax addicted Obama took them to the local McDonald’s and treated them to burgers and coke ON HIS TAB!! But George bush objected strongly to America staying on the sidelines, observing that “We’ve been involved in every major conflict since the year dot, so why not this one?” He calmed down after a journalist reminded him that he is no longer president and hasn’t been for the last couple of years so nobody cares what he thinks anymore. “Oh? Really? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” he replied, sadly. Gotta feel sorry for the guy….
Fears had been expressed about South American conflicts being left unattended to given American inaction, but they were soon dispelled by a realistic speech by a U.S. Treasury official who reminded the Council that not only did the world economy need the drug trade money, but - and then he quoted Mexico, with it's 7 or 8 thousand drug war deaths a year - "no-one is even bothered in the slightest about what they do to each other down there as long as they stay down there." Fair point.
Whatever, World Peace will be declared - or “imposed” as a joint Security Council statement put it - as soon as the job is done and the 25 remaining countries on Earth who weren’t bombed have been summoned to the U.N. to be told that they too will be blitzed out of existence if they get any more uppity ideas about starting a war.
I’ve been saying for years that it’s about time the U.N. pulled its finger out and started doing the job it was created to do. This is a small step in the right direction and it is to be applauded.
Next up for U.N. quick-fix consideration will be world famine. Sounds promising…..
(Editor’s note: The photo accompanying this article has been incorrectly captioned as representing a “Nuclear explosion". Well, it is a nuclear explosion, but the caption should have read ‘Panoramic view of some Mideast country or another. Date taken; Sometime next week)