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Joke Joke Joke

By Julybug
Posted Aug 8, 2008 in Entertainment
Here are some funny "ish" jokes I found:
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years....
Life in Hollywood:
1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. All Chinese people know Karate.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a "dark" secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
19. When it rains, it always pours.
20. You are always safe as soon as you cross the *county line* - 150 miles away.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it." God said, "No, I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair color before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it. She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed.
Arriving in front of God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live. What happened?"
God replied, "I didn`t recognize you."
Joe was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Joe decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Joe took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Joe went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Joe, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

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