Reason Number One: Choice VS Control
Here’s the first fundamental flaw in modern relationships: The amount you try to control your partner is in direct relation to how much you love them. The higher the level of control the lower the level of love. This simple formula works every time.
Here are three fundamental question to ask yourself.
1) How many times do you believe that your partner is wrong and use even the smallest amount of manipulation to get them to do things the right way?
2) How free are you, or your partner, to make an absolute mess of things without repercussions?
3) How free are you NOT to be in love with your partner?
Here is a huge clue in making a relationship something that transcends traditional romance. Freedom of choice is absolutely crucial and when it is limited so is the depth of your relationship.
Without freedom of choice then you are locked into a struggle of who can manipulate who the best. You have a set of goals for you life, and they have a set of goals for their life and without freedom of choice you instantly put your willpower in a cage match against their willpower. The weapon of choice: Guilt.
(Warning! Shameless plug up ahead) In my book “(e)motion: the energy of romance” I spend a substantial amount of time on this subject. Here is quote from the book that illustrates this point.
“To compensate for the unpredictable nature of our partner we remove as much of our partners free will as possible to create a situation that is somewhat predictable. This is the only way to survive with someone else while still maintaining a belief in the chaos. If you can simply get the other person to stop thinking like they do and to start thinking like you, then the relationship will work. Right? In other words if your girlfriend is uncaring or your boyfriend stupid, and there can be no understanding, logically you must remove the power from the stupid person (them) and apply the power to the smart person (you).”
The fight for control is in direct conflict with love. The fight for control is nothing more than one, or both of you, shouting “Mine!” like a spoiled child. It is nothing than a fight between two children in the playground over a toy.
I know what many of you are thinking out there. “If I let them do whatever they want they will screw everything up.” If that is truly the case then your manipulation and guilt tactics are obviously not solving anything. Worst of all you are missing what a true romantic relationship can provide.
The most amazing thing happens when you let go and give the freedom to be wrong back to your partner. You begin to trust them more. You begin to respect them more. You begin to have more energy, and best of all they begin to let you have the kind of freedom you are giving them.
When your partner has the choice to never buy you anything without you getting upset or angry, when he shows up with a diamond ring it will mean SO much more. You will know that he did it out of his love and affection for you and not simply because you can manipulate his spending habits.
When you give your partner the freedom to leave if they don’t want to be with you any longer, yet they stick around, then that really means something.
This freedom will bring a level of joy into your relationship that you will not believe. Best of all, if times get rough and you need that other person to lean on, you will have peace of mind knowing that they made the choice out of their own free will to be with you and that they WANT to be there.
Otherwise if your relationship is built on manipulation and guilt and things get rough there will be no way of knowing how long your partner will last under pressure. They will become unpredictable when you need them the most.
The choice is yours as long as you give your partner the same freedom to choose.
Seek Joy
- Erin
www.energyofromance.com
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