New Stock Market Terms

New Stock Market Terms CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.. P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER - What my financial planner has made me. STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use. # # # # # If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.