"SPOOF" - This is a picture of a "BANK" but it is not our bank, because we haven't opened any real branches yet, but will be opening in the Toronto area as soon as our new procedures have been approved by head office and the Federal Government.
It has been brought to our attention at First City Bank of Toronto that banking customers have been sneaking into the bank with suspected explosive devices and with this, we felt it necessary to bring in a new screening procedure for all banking customers and start full body scans and pat-downs.
We got the idea from the TSA in the USA
Toronto, CANADA - We realize we have bullet proof glass around the tellers, but it was discovered this may not withstand the explosive nature of an explosive device, so we felt it necessary to institute these new procedures. Please be patient and understanding as we will be as discreet as possible, although we may have to "grope" some persons who we feel are concealing any kind of contraband (ie. bombs)
You will have the option of going through our full body scan which is "allegedly" safe, and the radiation is very minimal (so we say,) and if we don't find the suspected explosive we will do a public, full body pat-down, if you don't comply, we will freeze all your funds in all your bank accounts, and if you were to die in an explosion, we have the right to your full estate if you die while being a customer of First City Bank of Toronto.
It has also been brought to our attention that the full body scan does not detect explosive materials, we feel it is then necessary to do a very thorough pat-down checking all "junk" on all passengers, I mean customers.
This is not a joke, (well sort of) since we do not conduct such stringent policies unless it is absolutely necessary and although we are not any part of the Federal Government we feel it is appropriate to conduct these new security measures.
If you fail to comply after entering the lobby of the Bank, the armed security staff, with the full force of the Federal Government will wrestle you to the group and if need be, they will "taze you man," and you will have no recourse but to comply.
I'm sorry, but because of this new ruling by our head office, we cannot provide private pat-downs (we never even thought of that) and they will be conducted right in front of the other customers lined up as they enter the banking tellers area.
We realize this may seem to some to be a little extreme, we just can't take the chance of someone blowing up our bank with the fact that we have so much cash on hand (mostly $100 bills.)
Please understand, it was not our idea to bring in these new rules and we do admit that this new procedure may not be able to detect any kind of explosives, but we feel this will make everyone else entering the bank "FEEL" much safer, and that is one of our most important customer service features to make our customers, "FEEL SAFE."
If you start going through the scanning or pat-down procedure, you are agreeing to all the terms and if at any point you decide to change your mind and want to leave the bank, that will NOT be allowed, on instructions from our HEAD OFFICE.
Please do not get upset at our rank and file employees, as they do not set the company policy, they are only following instructions from our head office, and they are just being paid minimum wage. Employees will be supplied with sterile gloves (this is for the employees protection, not yours) to conduct the pat-downs and they are instructed to be as thorough as possible, so be informed and cooperate. (or else)
We're trying to institute the $10,000 fine that the TSA is threatening if you don't comply, but we need Federal approval, and you know how long that could take. (Even longer in CANADA.)
(disclaimer) None of these Bank pictures are of our Bank, who is creating these new policies, we just don't have any pictures of our (brick and mortar,) Banks yet, as we're just setting new procedures.
Company President & CEO
First City Bank of Toronto (Not a "real" Bank) so stop goggling.
Oscar Bulkimeyer CEO, D.V.M., PhD, DDS, LLB TSA - opps sorry. Huh ...
(occasionally I will be on the front lines doing the pat-downs) We got the idea from TSA in the United States of America, thank you, we want our customers to "feel safe."
Tongue in cheek.