Doing Something In The Midst Of Helplessness

One of the things I do for our family is to care for them when someone is sick. That has changed, I can't really do any of the everyday nursing of Henry while he lies asleep in his ICU bed. The mountains of wires, machines, etc. makes it hard to even lean in to kiss his cheek. But now I am able to do something. The unit's physio therapist noticed that I am often massaging his legs and hand. (one hand and arm are a maze of wires making it impossible to massage) Yesterday she came over and showed me the best ways to work on his legs and arm. It's not much I know but it's something that I can do that is active. My mother was in ICU 17 years ago for over 6 weeks. I don't remember feeling as helpless. She had cancer and we knew that it was bad. We had an idea of what was going to happen. I didn't know how big a difference I would feel that this time it's my husband, my partner, the man that I talk to everyday about stupid ideas, who I giggle with every night before sleeping. We're supposed to grow old in our rocking chairs watching our great grandchildren. I cling to those talks. I know they may be altered dreams but they help me go on each day. Neighbours are talking about how they look to our courtyard expecting to see Henry and I sitting for that last quick chat every morning after the kids have gone to school, right before our work days start. We act like teenagers in love. We're that couple that people comment about on the streetcar because we glow together. Sleeping is hard. I miss his snore. He sounds like a freight train when he gets it going. It soothes me to sleep. Crazy I know, it wakes others up. I am an odd duck. Henry I miss you. When you wake up though I will talk to you for hours about codes and Chilly Willy and the insanity of people that do crazy things. All you have to do is wake up.