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Our Dirty Little Secret

By lungta     Nov 18, 2006 in Lifestyle
Wrote this as a comment ….you know ….good post ….bump…..01 cents …cha ching. Think it can stand on its own tho so im posting it as a blog…blessings
Ah yes pedophilia …our dirty little secret.
While a registry is a good idea the statistics on sexual abuse seem to indicate a single digit percentage of predators being registered.
It is estimated that one in four girls and one in seven boys are sexually abused before maturity. That means millions of predators or a few very busy ones.
The statistics on women’s rape fair no better. The estimate there is that one in twenty rapes are reported and prosecuted.
Who are the predators? It can almost be assumed that it is the ones you never suspect. The key element is trust. The child must trust and the adult must trust. And then there is access…someone you are willing thru trust to leave your child with usually. Statistically a family member or friend. Couple this with the statistic that the most dangerous place to be is in the home. Better odds of being assaulted there than any where else you go. True you spend a lot of time there but the idea of “home” for most is safety isn’t it?
The image of lurking men in shabby clothes is as off base as you can imagine. In my personal experience the abuser has been the “good uncle” icon of the family, head of the western division; the local doctor; the teacher; the local priest; the kindly man owner of the green house; the new step father; the head electrician father of two girls, holding down two jobs, playing in the band and attending church(currently in jail refusing treatment because he has done nothing wrong); the baby sitter.
This is where I’m guessing over 90 % hide and prosper. In positions of trust and authority with seemingly impeccable credentials; off the standard radar and off the registry. A registry is an after the damage; after the fact solution in that way.
The United Nations has recently issued a report on abuse and found that it is a major issue in every country in the world. The sexual and physical abuse of women and children is critical in EVERY nation. That’s us too folks.
Trauma in the young and in the mature affects at very deep levels. It’s as they say worse in most cases than being in a concentration camp because at least in a concentration camp you are not required to love your abusers. On an emotional level it shatters all trust leading to social aberrations or at least extremely twisted relationships. Untreated it sets up dynamics that follow you thru your life. Treatment is never a totally restorative venture it is more a becoming aware of the devastating damage and a continuous watchfulness to acquire natural responses as your experience says the polar opposite is appropriate.
On a physical level it changes your brain chemistry and can affect your metabolism making you vulnerable on those levels.
And all this because some predator was allowed 15 minutes by some inattentive guardian.
If you are a parent eighteen years is a long time to balance grammas’’ antique teacup, but you only get to drop it once. It may get glued back together. It may even hold tea. but it will always be broken.
If you are a parent that is your primary job tho. Everything else is secondary to the guardianship of a child. In a hundred years it won’t matter what car you drove, what holidays you took, what bits you acquired or how well you satisfied any of the other things that seem to compel you. It will however be registered forever your part in the life of your child. If you are not prepared to be the vigilant and aware guardian please don’t have children. If you have them already….what can I say? …get with it…you’re in
.
This may seem harsh on parents but who will you hold responsible?
Certainly not the child. If you are a guardian and the predator your responsible. If you are not a predator and you are the parent/guardian then assume the responsibility that GUARDIAN implies. I can’t count the time I’ve heard “well I told mom but she said to forget it” or “dad/uncle/grampa/doc/priest/friend/neighbor/he/she would never do that. Quit making things up.” was the response to childhood disclosure.
Every insult or trauma is carried for a life time..the small and the large.
I have seen the shame of being touched thru the pajamas at the door by the milkman carried for forty years and being the key to recovery in an anger management course.
I know that in the history of every client in the local alcohol and drug abuse recovery center and the local mental health recovery center is sexual abuse as a child.
One last bit of information that in the 400 books I have read I have never seen coordinated (and as I will never be published im sure) think that it should be out there somewhere.
In the assessment of how critical the damage and an indicator of the extent of recovery work required there are three factors
1. The age of the victim at the time of insult….while rape is rape the maturity of the brain that processes the experience is for the first 18 years is in various stages of plasticity and the effort to make sense out of it will vary as to the matrix of values already acquired.
2. The duration of the insult…once or twice is different than over a period of ten years.
1. the intensity of the insult…a half pleasurable guilt inducing fondling is different than being raped in pain to the point of passing out from the pain
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