Forget Playing Bridge and Bingo, Seniors are Walking Down the Aisle Again

TORONTO, Ontario - Marilyn Grace knew she couldn’t keep all of her 13 cats once she had to sell her house and move into a “shoebox” apartment. Dick Holyer also knew retirement life wouldn’t be so rosy when his wife of 30 years left him. He thought he would inevitably live with his 93-year-old mother in a retirement community, and spend much of his days playing bridge with people old enough to be his parents. But both seniors never knew they would rekindle their young hearts and relive the fairy tale of walking down the aisle. After moving in an apartment and living together for a year in downtown Toronto, they mutually decided to get married in 1998. “He helped me not feel very depressed,” said the 71-year-old former high school teacher, as she stroked her “child” named Tangerine, one of the three cats she has been caring for since marrying Dick, 65. “I wasn’t happy at the time and I began to think we could be happy with each other.” The Holyers, whose own children were happy for their marriage, had known each other for a decade when they worked at the same Toronto high school before they said their “I do’s”. The Holyers are among the growing number of seniors in Canada who are married. Canadians aged 40 and over experienced an increase in the number of people who were legally married and not separated, according to Statistics Canada data for 1996 and 2001, while the number of married people aged 39 and under declined. In fact, those belonging to the 90 and older age group experienced the greatest percentage increase in the number of married people, at about 37 per cent, whereas the figures for those aged 30 to 34 dropped the most. The fact people are living longer in the country is a factor in an increase of seniors who are married or getting married, said Paula David, a senior social worker and instructor of gerontology at Ryerson University. Statistics show that between 1991 and 2001, Canada’s fastest growing population was the 80 and over age group, which soared 41 per cent to 932,000, though the numbers for that population is low relative to other age groups. Meanwhile, the total people belonging to the 25 to 34 age group dropped to 18 per cent in the same period. Seniors also have a greater need for personal relationships since they are more likely to be lonely and limited in mobility and by sickness, David added. “A couple can manage better with the social and physical challenges of aging than a single person.” ”A lot of seniors are living together (because) they’re lonely and they’re looking for somebody to play bridge with, or go to the concert with,” said Marilyn, who has led a full and happy retirement life that included a trip to Europe with Dick and a group of friends. She added it’s cheaper to live with someone since the pension of $1,000 a month isn’t enough to live a comfortable retirement, considering housing in Toronto is costly. Dick said with children gone from the nest to start their own families and spouses who are widowed or divorced, marriage seems so much more desirable than the nursing home. “The nuclear family has dissolved, there are a lot of divorces and older people don’t have their family to depend on as much,” he added. Marilyn, who has been married twice, widowed and divorced before tying the knot with Dick, said as she got older, marriage wasn’t so much for the romance of prince charming sweeping her off her feet; it was more for companionship. “I don’t think it’s so true anymore that you get married, have kids and stay together,” she said. “Romance and sexual attraction is not as important now… The most important thing is having a very good friend.” However, Dr. Patricia A. Farrell, an American psychologist and author of How to Be Your Own Therapist (McGraw-Hill, 2002), said Viagra may be a factor in the rise in older married couples, “by providing a new sense of potency and a revitalized interest in intimate relations.” Having had a satisfying first marriage is another reason the elderly may decide to marry again after their spouse died, she said. Relationships expert and author Lisa Daily said many seniors are finding themselves in a group home where social functions are a regularity. “This group now has a greater opportunity than ever before to meet eligibles in their same age and social group.” Daily explains why there is a decline in married people in their thirties and under. “Television shows like Sex and the City have made it vogue again to put off married life for the wild life of singleton,” she said. And with gender equity, more women are pursuing higher education and careers, which means they may put off marriage until their later years. “Women are not thinking of men rescuing them the way they were 25 years ago,” David said. ”In the younger group, the decline in marriage can be caused by a sense of being ‘gun shy’ because of the concern about high divorce rates, higher expectations concerning who to marry and devoting more time to develop a career and some financial stability before entering into a marriage,” Farrell added. “Changes in the science of fertility allow women to become mothers later and to have successful pregnancies later in life, so they don't seem to be rushing to motherhood as early in life.” Loren Tepperman, sociology professor at the University of Toronto, said the drop in the number of young married people can be due to the rise in the number of couples living together before marriage, or instead of marriage, over the last 20 years in North America and Europe. “There is more cultural acceptance of the fact people’s sexual behaviour isn’t others’ business,” he said. Grade 13 high school student Sonia Agarwal plans on attending university and pursuing a business career before she even considers tying the knot. “I want to work. I want to be independent,” she said. “I’m not getting married until I’m 30 because I want to have fun, and because once you’re married, you’ll totally be bound,” added her friend, Vikas Oberoi, 22, a third-year electrical engineering student at Ryerson. Both students, who used to be a couple, say they want to be financially secure before taking on the responsibility of marriage and a family. “We can’t afford (to get married) right now because we’re dependent,” Agarwal said, noting both of them live at home with their parents and hold down part-time minimum wage jobs. “It’s better if you start your career before getting married.”