A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 15th-19th October 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Wedding gays, parting of the ways and which side of the fence is AJ?
If you put any of the thousands of aliens that are supposedly flying round our planet onto a Soap Awards panel and showed them this week's EastEnders and this week's Emmerdale, how do you think they'd vote?
I've got less than three pages of notes for EastEnders and fourteen for Emmerdale. Forget the fact that it was Emmerdale's 40th; it's the 'less than three' that's more significant.
First dance? First and last, thankfully
This week's revolved around Christian and Syed's civil partnership in the Argee Bhajee, and it was just about as boring and cliched as anything I've ever seen in Soap land. What about their 'first dance' at the end? Cringe worthy, or what? Almost as bad as Christian's hair.
The best (and truest) line of the week was Danny pointing out in no uncertain terms to Syed: "You're tying yourself down with some 'Muscle Mary' old enough to be your dad," and he's right.
I've never thought of them as a match made in Heaven; Syed's always come across as a slightly reluctant participant to me. Christian and Roxy make a far better couple in my opinion (look at Corrie's Marcus and Maria); they both love each other, and as Soaps regularly duplicate each others' story lines I reckon that would be a really nice twist.
As I like to remind people whenever I get the opportunity: it's not sexuality or gender, it's the PERSON we fall in love with, and love doesn't always respect the notion of what we think we are!
Here we go again
That said, I totally disagree with this week's other new 'coupling': Fatboy and Denise (and not just because he's got a stupid name and she's old enough to be his mother).
I know it shouldn't make a difference, BUT I'm complaining because (yet again in EastEnders), I feel as if it's being done simply as a means to an end because AJ's also interested in her and they needed some other geezer to be a bit of competition for him.
I'd rather her have shack up with Patrick than Fats, as it just seems SO contrived and SO out of the blue as to be completely unbelievable.
Although we haven't seen them together on screen that much, if you look at the chemistry between Joey and Lauren, it's FAR more credible (that word again), and doesn't seem to have come out of thin air after a late-night story liners' meeting where they've run out of ideas and just gone and picked a couple of names out of a hat and put them together. What next: Phil marrying Sharon?
The gayest family in the Village
I'd commented last week on how the Masoods all seemed to be going gay, and Tamwar did nothing to dispel my suspicions as he quite clearly said, "I'd love someone like Christian, dad," to Mas, and was even sporting a very suspect 'tache on Monday!
I'm still not sure whether AJ's 'Arthur or Martha' either, as he seems to be looking suspiciously effeminate again this week … Where's Mrs AJ anyway? We need her back to read him the riot act and knock him into shape!
There was one surprise that I really wasn't expecting, and that was Zainab leaving. I've looked online but can't find out whether it's permanent or whether she's just the latest cast member to go off on one of those six-month holidays, but whichever it is, I'm very sorry to see her go.
Ooh, that Syed's got a lot to answer for. I adore Zainab, but with both her and Janine gone there's now only the lovely Tanya (out of my favourite three EastEnders women) left, and SHE'S taking a holiday herself quite soon so what will I do then?
A real blatant bit of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background with Norah Jones's "Don't know why' (you didn't come) playing as Christian waited nervously for Syed to arrive for the wedding, and – as usual – it was down to Kim to single-handedly keep a tiny grain of humour in the show, so here's our "Kim's Grins of the Week"!
Kim: "Full English on the table – orange juice, paracetamol … The Works."
Kim: "I love kids, you know. Bless Rakil."
Kim: "Kamil, yeah."
* Did you notice how Fatboy left his laptop in the Argee Bhajee when they boarded it up?
* Amy was modelling her usual stunned mullet look this week, and who's Syed got a look of? Yes, it's Coronation Street's Lewis!
* When Syed flew out of the Queen Vic and let himself into the restaurant, in 'real life' would he really have left the door wide open? No, of course not.
* What did Roxy do with her three tubs of ice-cream?
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