A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in Emmerdale, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 8th-12th October 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Charity twists men around her little finger, Chas discovers a big twist in Carl's plans and Declan's planning to get rid of 'The Smile', but who'll be smiling this time next week?
Ooh, there's so much happening I can barely keep up. Charity's agreed to buy both Carl and Jimmy's shares so that'll make her the owner now I guess? If that's the case, I wouldn't like to be in Edna's shoes.
"Why don't you take Tootsie for a very long walk – preferably off a short Pier," she told her, and she also told her: "Please do not worry your little hat about Carl and Jimmy."
Ooh Charity. You can twist any man around your little finger (they're putty in your hands, to be fair!), but you really need to work on those woman-management skills, love.
It's a love triangle – no, a square
Carl's working on Chas, big time! Oh I DO feel a bit sorry for him, but should I, or is what he's doing just cruelty beyond belief? Thing is, he LOVES Chas, and if they did end up together I'm sure he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Trouble is, Chas loves Cameron but is marrying Dan. Oops!
"Whatever we do, people are going to get hurt. It's just who … and how badly," she told Cameron in utter misery on Friday.
Nicola was struggling to fathom Carl's obsession with Chas. "I know you lot like 'em pneumatic, but is she really that impossible to get over?" she asked Jimmy incredulously.
Clearly not, but as Jimmy tried – and failed – to talk Carl out of his plans they got themselves into a war of words and Jimmy and Nicola quickly became casualties as they suddenly found themselves homeless.
"I have a cunning plan"
Megan (The Smile) and Robbie are about to find themselves homeless too, if Declan and Katie have got anything to do with it.
After a week of brilliant bickering (great one-liners!) between Katie and The Smile, Declan came up with a cunning plan to get rid of his sister for good.
I'm struggling a little with the bit where Katie sues him for £250k. Why would a woman sue her own fiancee when they're just about to get married? How would Declan have already known he'd made that exact amount of profit? Could that one little Festival really have made that much money? Wouldn't Megan have had a written contract, and surely there's no way Katie's claim would stand up in a Court of law?
£250k damages, just for upsetting a few horses? Even Sam Dingle would be able to see how that simply doesn't add up, and The Smile was right: as a responsible Stable manager, surely Katie would have made provision for those horses to have been removed for the duration of the Festival months ago?
That's my only little niggle, as – other than that – the whole thing's been planned so well; written so well and acted so well that I can't imagine there's a single person out there who hasn't been totally swept up in the excitement of it all.
Every episode over the last few months feels to have cranked up the tension another notch, and there surely cannot have ever been a more eagerly anticipated live Soap episode than this one?
I personally don't really feel that Soaps should even have to do live editions. What does it actually prove? Many people will only watch on Wednesday in the hope of seeing another Jack Branning moment and not even consider or appreciate the extraordinary amount of thought and effort made by the team in order to build the story lines to this point.
That amazing trailer alone has to be one of the best things any Soap's ever done (and should win an Award by itself), and I have to say – yet again – that when it comes to next year's Soap Awards, I just hope that Emmerdale sweeps the board, because no matter how it goes on Wednesday night, nobody looking at it objectively could really disagree that the quality of acting, story lines and writing this year have – at the very least – equalled Corrie, and far surpassed EastEnders, could they?
OK. Let's have our Grins of the Week:
Rishi: "Diligence is the mother of good fortune."
Carl: "Button it, Yoda."
Kerry: "Table for three? Breckie?
Declan: "Are you having fun yet?"
Nicola: "Fun? I'm running a Festival, I've got a wedding to plan and I've just been made homeless, but I'm sure a bit of pop music will soon have me back on cloud nine (!)"
Dan: "I've just been stood outside your house. I wondered where you'd got to."
Ruby: "We need to hide better."
Katie: "You try being a horse, having a hundred decibels pumped at you."
The Smile: "Aah … well why don't you sit in the darkened stable and hold their hooves? If it wasn't for your jodhpurs he'd have closed you down months ago."
Victoria: "What the hell is THAT?"
Amy: "Oh, shut up man. It's Eric's old rucksack from the war or something."
* I'm so out of touch with modern music that I only recognised The Proclaimers!
* Did you hear how Cain said "We don't currrr" to Rachel? Was that a deliberately cheeky little dig at her accent (because it was really funny), and if it was, was it Cain's idea or the writer's?
* Declan struggled with Katie's sudden request to bring the wedding forward and share it with Chas and Dan. Chas and Dan? Weren't they a piano-playing cockney comedy duo from the 80s? (!)
* Did we witness the start of something between Adam and Vic this week?
* Despite going for that week away merely to get her claws into David, Pointless Priya said she didn't need a guy to have a good time, "Just sun, sand and and 50 Shades of Grey." It comes to something when you get your book mentioned on a Soap. I wish she'd been reading my book!
* Nicola was upset to be moving back in with her dad at 'her age'. She wants to think herself lucky. I'm 53 and had to move back in with my dad for real because I don't earn any money from my writing!
There's so much buzz on Twitter about the coming week. I'll be tweeting and doing an Emmerdale Special to get you in the mood in Jane's Soapy Corners live at 6.00 BST on Wednesday night onTellySpy, but for now, all I want to say is a massive 'GOOD LUCK' to all the cast and crew for what is surely going to be the most amazing night in Emmerdale's history to date.
Just think for a moment about that one time you felt the most nervous in your whole life, and then imagine how those cast and crew must be feeling right now. They must be feeling sick as dogs and barely sleeping a wink. Oh, to be there at the moment someone shouts "Cut" at about 7.55 on Wednesday night. There's going to be one hell of a party, and it'll be damned well-deserved!