A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 8th-12th October 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Masood's seeing things; Phil just can't see it; Derek sees red and Christian's browned off.
Oh, how boring and clichéd was Friday's episode? I'm simply not buying this Syed stuff, and I'm definitely not buying that photo of Dennis smiling. I don't recall ever seeing him smile, do you, and are you sure it was him, Sharon? It looked more like DS Sam Murray from the BBC's Lip Service to me.
They're all coming out of the closet at Zee's
Speaking of gay characters; was AJ trying to tell us something on Monday? That little off the shoulder number and necklace would have done Eddie Izzard proud.
There's definitely something funny going on in that family. Look at Zainab: who'd have thought that behind closed doors, she was actually an alien?
It was National Coming Out Day on Thursday, and with both Syed and AJ at it I was half expecting a 'full set' and for Zee to open Tam's bedroom door and find him stood there in one of her dresses and for Masood to announce that he was running off with Michael.
Maybe that'll be next week, although after Masood said, "I've got a good feeling about this wedding," I think that one might have to wait a couple of weeks, as – sure enough – he quickly lost that 'good feeling' after walking round the corner to spot Syed snogging Danny.
Who's the daddy & how's he the daddy?
Phil was struggling to work out how Ben could be Lexi's father – wot wiv' im being a poofter an all that. "He must have 'liked' her, otherwise how could he get her pregnant?" he asked Abi in confusion.
Lola and Ben are actually related too, so that's not really a good thing is it, but are we SURE it's actually Ben's baby? Why has Lola always been so keen for Jay to bond with Lexi, and why is she so upset about him being back with Abi?
"Do you think she would lie about something like that?" Jay asked Phil.
"It wouldn't be the first time she'd lied to get herself out of trouble, would it?" Phil reminded him emphatically.
Are you sure he's the daddy?
Phil's got a valid point there. Might it all be a trick? Although I think it's a feasible outcome (in Soap land terms) for that little rodent to have been the father, in reality I struggle to believe that Ben could have 'done it' with her, so if it should ever turn out to have been Jay's baby all along then I – for one – won't be in the slightest bit surprised.
We had a bit of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background with Nina Simone's 'My Baby Just Cares for Me' playing in the Charity shop as CC was talking to a crying Lola about Lexi, and then another bit of subliminal messaging (of sorts) as Syed handed an envelope to Danny with the words, "Signed, sealed, delivered … " and only missed the 'I'm yours' off the sentence, but his face told us that bit, didn't it!
Booty's? 'Slappers', more like
Talking of faces: I was looking at Alice on Monday and just thinking how pretty and natural she looked and how nice it was to see a girl not caked in makeup, but not five minutes after she'd gone into Booty's, Tanya had miraculously managed to turn her into yet another identikit Soap teenager.
What's surprising to me is that Tanya's always made up so nicely I can't believe she'd give Alice such a slapper's look.
Still, better that than Poppy's latest style. Has she been watching Dragons' Den, as she looks to be channelling Hilary Devey …
Alice's makeover didn't go down well with Derek. I agree with him on this one, although – typical Derek – he handled it all wrong and only managed to make things worse.
Are we about to see Alice falling for Ray? Hmm. If Derek gets upset about a bit of lippie, heaven knows how he'll react when he finds out about that (and Kim too)!
Love is in the hair?
It was nice to see Sharon and Jack getting together. They make a nice couple, but unless she's going to be back long-term then I guess this will turn out to be a rather short-lived relationship?
The first thing Jack needs to go is to treat the pair of them to a trip 'Up West' … not with Lola's tickets for the London Eye but to a decent hairdressers. Both her and Cousin ITT's hairstyles are not of this world.
If they'd have got up on stage at Fatboy's comedy night they'd have brought the house down, unlike Tamwar, whose stand-up routine went down like a lead balloon. I'm not surprised. Comedy really isn't EastEnders' strong point, and yet again I've only managed to find one Grin of the Week for you.
Apart from the odd episode (they've got a couple of good – but only occasional - writers), EastEnders really needs to take a look at Corrie and Emmerdale to see how to write great comedy.
Alice: "I don't really like anything too daring."
Poppy: "Every time you say that, a beautician dies."
It probably wasn't meant to be funny, but I did smile at the words 'Feeling Gloomy?' on that poster behind Phil. Good God. If that was a poster for some sort of Helpline then they'd be needing to call for backups for us poor viewers after an episode like Friday's.
* How can Billy and Lola afford black cabs?
* How cocky was that PC Heathcote who came talking to Derek on Tuesday? Talk about rude.
* Mas said "I think this family's jinxed." Only THINK?
* What on earth happened to Christian's chest? It looked as if he'd sat in a bath of gravy browning and had forgotten to get right under the water!
* What's the point of taking a little baby on the London Eye, Lola?
* Christian buzzed for Zee to come up, and literally 1.5 seconds she was at the door. Only someone not of this world could move as fast as that …
* Glad to see Cousin ITT's had a haircut, but he still looks like a girl. Hopefully when Sharon finally gets off the pills she'll notice and actually 'sort it'.
* We've gone from angst-ridden shots of Kat and her mystery bloke to 'Nappy Valley' this week, as almost every person in the Square had a baby in a buggy for Lola to look at in an angst-ridden way!