According to the commendably restrained Toronto Star
LEVIS, QUE.—Provincial police have raided a warehouse and seized dozens of barrels of maple syrup in a town just south of Quebec City.
Police aren’t releasing many details about the operation in a district of Levis, Que., but the search is believed to be connected to the earlier theft of the tasty treat from a Quebec warehouse.
In August, the Quebec Federation of Maple Syrup Producers reported the theft of a massive quantity from a warehouse in St-Louis-de-Blandford. The theft was discovered during a routine inventory check.
Note the quiet phrasing. This vast amount of maple syrup
was discovered missing during “a routine” check. It was 10 million pounds, and they didn’t even notice it was gone until they did a “routine” check.
The Toronto Star doesn’t actually say that the entire population of Canada is now out looking for it. It doesn’t say that the top end of North America is full of wild-eyed maple syrup junkies looking for the missing stash.
In Australia, we’ve sort of got used to the situation about the maples. Canadians arrive in Australia with their carefully folded sugar maple forests and they go through Customs quite regularly. There was of course the case of the maples which arrived in Australia without their Canadian, who’d been sent on to Peru, but that was an exception.
Canadians usually just come and visit and you can see them and their maples having a coffee in the restaurants or checking out the dance clubs or hang gliding. Scuba diving is also popular. They’re party trees at heart. It’s clearly a healthy relationship in normal times.
But now? They’re sweeping the nation looking for the syrup. The theft of their national symbiotic syrup has obviously caused a deep underlying hysteria. Vigilante groups have formed, with plainclothes Canadians lurking around the continent, some disguised as Americans or other domestic appliances.
The threat is this- Will the risk to the maple syrup supplies affect the mental health of Canadians? They were shocked by the theft, but now the shock may have led to some sort of psychological imbalance. Will militant maple syrup users hold rallies, overthrow the government, and create a theocracy?
Will Canada become a sort of maple-syrup based Iran? Will maple syrup processing be taught in schools instead of political science and unemployment? Will the Ford Brothers start a church of maple syrup and round up parishioners using a trail of droplets leading to city hall in Toronto?
Will unscrupulous Australians start a bootleg maple syrup shop online?
Clearly Canadian civilization is in the melting bucket. Time will tell if sanity reasserts (re
It probably won’t.