A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in Emmerdale, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 1st-5th October 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Lexi's dad's gone; Scarlett's dad's staying, Phil's become a grandad, and is that Kat's long-lost sister?
Wow. Phil got that decorating work done quickly, didn't he? Most tradesmen wouldn't have even got their tools out until the second day, yet within the blink of an eye the pub had been transformed from whorehouse to haven. Hopefully he'll get them in to do his place next, and if they turn up in the morning they can have rid the world of that jungle nightmare by lunchtime.
What about that 'couples night' he'd planned though? It's a pub, innit, so that's discrimination against single people! Why did Ray ask to go home early? Surely he should have been prepping for the big Event, and – sure enough – people were then complaining about having to wait for their food. (Yet more evidence of how storylines aren't thought through properly.)
Get 'aaht of Phil's pub – please?
I was gobsmacked when Kat and Alfie walked in to a hero's welcome. WHY? They'd gone off without a thought to their customers and Phil – rightly – sacked them, but unfortunately changed his mind after Kat gave him the old emotional guilt trip. This is WRONG. Kat and Alfie are a spent force and it's time to be brave and move the show on by finally splitting them up.
At least Roxy's going to be in charge so I hope she'll give them both a hard time so that they'll just decide to go and run McKlucky's or the curry house instead. Kat's got so much fake tan on she'd fit right in.
Oh, and as for 'the suspects', HOW ridiculous is it getting now? That shot of the three of them stood at the bar together was just the last straw for me, and as Kat's now written in big letters on the mirror that she's with Alfie, let's hope that's the end of it. I haven't read any spoilers but I reckon I know how this is going to end. Let's just see if I'm proved right in the next couple of weeks, and let's just say that one of them probably shouldn't be taking any car journeys …
Michael the Mindreader
"She likes you," Michael told the girl from the nanny agency. How on earth could he know that? His house is a tip (how come his shirts are always immaculately ironed though?), and if he's going to keep Scarlett, Michael needs to get a proper nanny/housekeeper pronto (where IS Whiney, anyway?). Scarlett really is the sweetest little thing, isn't she? Such a smiler.
The temporary foster parents who get Lexi are going to be in for a treat. She not only never cries during the day, but also stays awake through the night then just lies there in her cot gurgling. Amazing.
CC ain't bovvered by them skanks
We had what looked like Kat's long-lost younger sister turn up in a girl gang this week, and that led to the inevitable outcome of a fight and Lola being arrested. (Blind Freddie could have seen that one coming.)
"Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling me a skank? Are you gettin' in my face, girl?" Alexa taunted Abi. It was just like watching Catherine Tate's Lauren character, but good old Cora came out and 'sorted it'. "Why don't you go and pretend to be tough somewhere else," she advised them menacingly. Yeah, you tell 'em CC!
I have to say though, that Lola's played a blinder this week, and I have nothing but praise for her acting on Friday. It was excellent and genuinely believable (apart from the scenes where she had a dolly with a tiny head in her arms), and resulted in her screaming out the name of Lexi's father.
It had been SO mean of those girls to exclaim, "Did you get with a really ugly bloke?" as they looked into the pushchair at Lexi, and as someone who's literally a 'Plain Jane' I know how hurtful it is when people make fun of your looks.
Lexi is a sweet little baby, and certainly not a 'skank' (whatever that is!), but I do reckon she's got a look of Phil about her, so I'm guessing that Lexi's not lying when she says that Ben's the dad?
That's a good twist (for once !), and it's either going to be the best or the worst thing in the world now for Lexi to have Phil Mitchell as a grandad. Let's hope we see Phil's nice side kicks in and that he gets her back for Lola and looks after the pair of them. I might even watch next week now … (!)
Unfortunately, no matter how much I don't want to watch EastEnders a lot of the time, I still do because I like to see certain characters. The lovely Tanya's been looking mighty fi-ine this week, and I love any scenes between her and Cora.
CC wanted to know Tanya's secret and demanded that she tell her. Er, you didn't tell Tanya about her dead sibling did you CC? Cor, Cora. Pot, kettle or what, love?!
Back down to only two Grins of the Week this week:
Jack (about Michael): "He just needs a bit of help."
Max: "He needs help all right."
Phil (to Kat): "You spend more time in passport control than you do in that bar."
* Phil was asking Denise if the Minute Mart sold bunting. Five minutes before his big 'do'. AS IF it would, and AS IF he wouldn't have 'sorted it' before then?
* Cousin ITT smashed a glass at the R&R. No wonder. The poor lad can barely see where he's going.
* I liked the woman who took Lexi's tag off. She had real potential and I reckon they should definitely get her back in with a proper part. I said the same about Kim; AJ; Corrie's Beth and Emmerdale's Kerry and Dan so I trust we'll be be looking forward to seeing her back on our screens again soon, ok?
* If Phil's suddenly turned into an interior designer, get him to tackle that bordello of Kim's as his next project!
* Why did Kat ask Lola to clean the barrel store? Fats had only just spent half of last week doing that for Phil.