A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in Emmerdale, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 20th-24th August 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Robbie's as charming as toothache; Val's as subtle as a sledgehammer and Priya's as blatant (and nearly as naked) as a flasher.
Val's been a right vamp this week as she firstly moved back into the house and then tried to get herself back into Eric's bed.
Floating down the stairs in a silk dressing gown (then clomping across the wooden floor!), she opened her mouth and said, "I thought I'd treat myself to a little exfoliation in the bath. Mind you, it's taken ages to disinfect it after 'you know who's' been sloshing about in it."
Wonderful image/line – as was her reply to Kerry when she came in modelling a new top. "What do you reckon? It's new," she asked.
"Did they not have one in your size?" Val quipped. Great stuff!
Get 'em off? No, put 'em on.
Someone else wearing clothing to make your eyes water this week has been Pointless Priya. She's wearing so little now (in her attempts to seduce David), that I'm waiting for her to turn up at the shop dressed (undressed?) as Lady Godiva on one of Katie's horses. Stop being such a tramp, you tramp. Seriously, what is the point in this character?
Up at the 'big house', Deccers had asked Katie to sit in on a meeting with The Smile while he went off to London.
"Anything I should know before they get here?" she asked.
"Well, I suggest a degree in business studies, but as we've only got ten minutes … " Megan replied sarcastically.
Once Rotten Robbie had let Katie's horses out (I'd bolt if I saw that little rodent coming towards me) and she had to go and round them up, Megan asked him to sit in on the meeting instead. Er, what about HIS degree in business studies then, Megan?"
Robbie? Charming? Not this one again.
When Declan got back she told him he'd 'charmed' them. Him? He couldn't charm a starving dog if he was covered head to foot in Pedigree Chum. He gets creepier as every week goes by, but that only seems to be endearing him to Megan. She's clearly not a very good judge of character!
Cameron's had a change of character this week too. After having spent weeks slagging Chas off, he suddenly opens his mouth and tells her he never stopped loving her. Well, you've got a funny way of showing it mate!
It's Dan I feel sorry for. I can see what Chas was trying to do. Of course she wants a man who's funny, kind, loyal and faithful, but top of that list has to be love, and she doesn't love him. She wishes she could, but Cameron's her man and I can't wait for them to start up their affair again. I've bought confetti. If these two don't end up married I'll, I'll … take it back to the shop.
A lot of visual humour this week (no, I don't mean Robbie), and here's our Grins of the Week:
Pointless Priya (to Noah): "You're not going to turn me into a frog, are you?"
Charity: "You need to be a beautiful princess for that first."
Carl: "I think I can run 10k without it killing me."
Chas: "We live in hope (!)"
Jude" You're always welcome to come to one of our retreats."
Charity: "Sounds unmissable (!)"
Dan (to Jai): "I snogged her (Ali) when I shouldn't; ended up with our Sean."
* Amy said the pub couldn't spare any black peppercorns. Yeah, peppercorns: they're the most popular dish on the menu. There's no way Marlon could have risked being without them, even for a moment.
* That whole village of busybodies is desperate to know who the father of Rachel's baby is, and yet none of them seems to have noticed how she's spending half her life either stood at the side of the road or with her head stuck though Jai's car window having deep, angst-ridden discussions. Maybe Emmerdale needs an opticians?
* Jimmy's face was a picture when he was ogling PP walking up the stairs and Vic called out cheerfully, "Oh, Hi Nicola,"!
* Rather strange sweat patterns on David's top when he came back from his run: very neat.
* Why wasn't Gennie supporting Nikhil at the fun run?
* It was awful of Misery Ali to knock the basket of apples off David's table. He should have made her pay for them. They'll only be fit for feeding to PP's horse when she comes for her Lady Godiva visit next week.
My Soapy ramblings are coming to a computer near you. Yes, my brand-new Internet Soap show 'Jane's Soapy Corner' starts at 6.00 pm (BST) on 29th August via TellySpy. Come along and text/MSM me live online (or I'll be sat there talking to myself for half an hour)!