A roundup of the latest goings-on in Coronation Street, EastEnders & Emmerdale, the popular British Soap Operas.
For episodes broadcast in the UK - 13th-17th August 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Tracy's claws are out in Corrie, Val's 'gone with the wind' in Emmerdale, & who's that with Sharon in EastEnders?
Tracy's at her feisty finest when she's either fighting with – or for – Steve, and Michelle's the latest woman getting the rough edge of her tongue. Our Michelle can give as good as she gets though, and we had a lovely Corrie cat-spat in the street on Friday. (We had one in the Bistro last week too, with Stella and Leanne launching a glorious attack on poor, doe-eyed Sunita!)
What a great comedy week we've had. The barbs, banter and beautifully-written dialogue were delivered in acting masterclasses from all concerned. Corrie's humour is a joy to behold sometimes. I know I've said it before, but Coronation Street is funnier than many of the actual comedy shows we get on our screens.
Rob's people skills leave a lot to be desired. His Teach Yourself Factory-Running course in Prison clearly had the 'man-management' skills section missing (maybe somebody nicked it?). Not that that bothers Eva. Anything in trousers'll do her, although Rob appears to be far more interested in her mother than her, doesn't he? Hmmm.
That wouldn't go down well. Eva's another Corrie woman you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of. Look at how she got Karl sacked this week – naughty girl! Karl told Sunita he loved her on Friday. I wasn't expecting that, but what I AM expecting is Curse-ty to reappear in the near future.
Oh, if only she'd 'do one' and leave him for good, Tyrone could go and get together with Fiz and little Hope-less instead. They'd make such a great family, but – like all good baddies – you know it's only a matter of time before she'll be back to terrify us all again!
Grins of the Week:
Stella: (about Karl): "He's the one that should be leaving with his tail between his legs, and if I had my way that's all he'd have between 'em an' all."
Deirdre: "Has Steve gone?"
Tracy: "No mam, he's under the bed (!)"
Anna: "Owen. This is a christening."
Owen: "It'll be a flaming funeral in a moment."
Deirdre: "Shame on you. She's just come out of hospital."
Mich: "Yeah, and she'll be going back there in a minute," (and to Tracy): "Oh, go and have a relapse."
Sophie: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Kevin: "I've done it before."
Sophie: "Yeah. I can remember that bookshelf you put up in Rosie's room."
Kevin: "Yeah, and it would have been fine if she hadn't overloaded it."
Sophie: "With what? She wasn't exactly a big reader, dad."
PS Fireman Paul looked 'well fit' in his trackie bottoms and vest, didn't he?
PS Amy's starting to look the spit of Tracy and Steve. She's got Tracy's expressions off to a tee.
PS The Vicar who did the christening was called Thomas. Emmerdale's (ex) Vicar's Ashley Thomas. Must be a Vicar-y name!
The Geordie Shore trio are keeping me entertained. Val's on sparkling form at the moment (thanks to some wonderful stuff from the writers). "Well, have a good hike. How could you not? Walking up hills for no reason," she trilled, and poor Brenda was on the end of one jibe after another.
I laughed out loud when Val asked to borrow her dress (thinking it was an apron), and at David's: "Val. Meet Jacob. He's a child," when she was revealing the racier details of her and Eric's love life at the dinner table. Kerry's curry had rather 'unfortunate' effects the next day. "I hope you're feeling better than me? I'm offending myself back here," Val admitted to Amy from behind the bar in the B&B. Too much information Val. Good job it wasn't 'smell-evision'!
Kerry's great. She and Amy are working really well together, and I love her and Val's growing rivalry over Amy. Great stuff.
There's a lovely Line of the Week from Chas. "Who needs water boarding when there's 'House White', aye?" she quipped as she was about to interrogate Moira about her 'secret squeeze'. Alex'll be getting his neck squeezed by Andy and Adam when they find out. I hope she's worth it, lad (although I'd imagine she probably IS)!
We know Chas is only really using Dan to make Cameron jealous, but it must be a bit odd for her as they look so similar they could be brothers (if you squint a bit!), and how gripping is it watching 'brothers' Marlon and Paddy at war. Superb acting.
I really enjoyed my big Emmerdale catchup this week. The only thing that spoilt it was seeing Robbie's miserable gob. How on earth could Megan 'The Smile' have given birth to that? It's beyond me.
Grins of the Week:
Andy (to Alex): "You're getting good at this disappearing act. You should join a circus."
Pointless Priya: "You know you're going to have to fight her for him now?"
Chas: "I'll fight you in a minute."
Paddy: "I've got to inseminate a whole field of cows."
David (nervously): "Artificially inseminate?"
PS I love how Kerry kept calling Jacob Jason. It's like EastEnders' Kim calling Janine Janice.
PS Nicola's computer password: kellywitch!
PS Rhona mixed her whites and coloureds up in the washing machine. She even put a pair of red panties in there. Oops.
PS I love Gennie's genuine (lack of) enthusiasm for Nikhil's running!
PS Misery Ali said Dan had had 'A face like a melted horse'. In all my born days, I've never heard that one before, and haven't a clue what it means (other than that he was happy after having slept with Chas).
It actually felt nice to see Sharon back. For a moment, it made EastEnders feel 'normal' again, but it was only a fleeting moment, alas.
Where do I START on what I've seen this week? I don't like to complain about EastEnders, and (if you look back over my Queen Vic Corners) you'll see that I DO give credit where it's due, but this week almost finished me off for good.
Just before the end of Friday's episode I tweeted that if Shirley hid that photo frame from the Police that would truly be the end for me, but she only got as far as stuffing it in the washing machine, thankfully.
If I ever killed anyone I'd want Phil as my defence lawyer, as he managed to all-but convince Shirley that Ben was somehow the victim! I know he was only trying to protect the little rodent, but the way he tried to make it sound as if Shirley reporting him would ruin Ben's measly little life left me fuming, as did his line, "Getting put away: it don't make you an 'ero. It makes you a mug."
No, Phil. Murder, lying, and perverting the course of justice do that, and you need to get 'put away' for it. Even poor Jay's been getting blamed. It wasn't HIM who murdered Hev, for God's sake, so stop all picking on him, will you.
How Shirley managed to work it all out was worthy of Columbo himself. She could have a great new career as a detective, as 'Walford's finest' didn't even believe Ben when he was sat there in front of them confessing! Jeeesss. HOW unbelievable?
Time and time I mention the word 'credibility'. If you really look at this week's episodes you'd just laugh – or cry. Ian eating soup with his fingers, for example. Come on. He slept rough for a few weeks; hardly enough to make you forget cutlery, is it? He managed to hold a pen well-enough to sign those forms not five minutes later, didn't he?
Would they seriously have us believe that Ian would agree to signing everything over to Lucy – just like that? Ok; we don't know whether she's doing it for genuine reasons or whether (more likely) she's doing it because she's an evil little cow. Time will tell, but it's just silly.
Sharon always looked 'old' for her age to me, and now she's back she doesn't look to have aged a day. I'd love to see her and Jack get together. They'd make a great couple, and he'd have a little boy to bring up. Well, when I say boy, I use that term loosely.
Denny's meant to be Dennis's son, right? Remember Dennis? Fit, dark-haired bloke? He'd be spinning in his grave if he saw the state of that kid's hair. (Was he wearing mascara too? How come such a blond-haired child had such jet-black eyelashes?)
The poor little guy looked like Cousin ITT from the Addams Family. Did you notice how everyone ruffled his hair and patted him on the head too? Maybe Sharon's just channelling Roly the dog?
I thought that some of the writing on Thursday was rather weak. If you really listened closely to Shirley and Phil's lines, some of them weren't how people really 'speak'.
Let me end on a positive note: Tanya looked gorgeous this week. I've loved her sniping at Max (they really are such a believable couple), and I LOVE the way she's taken against Sharon. Well, if you came home and found another woman in your clothes you'd be a bit peeved, wouldn't you?!
Just one Grin of the Week. Still; one's better than nothing, aye?
Denise (to Shirley): "It's hard to keep hold of a man when your teeth are in a jar at the side of the bed."
PS Lose the hat now Ian. It must be totally flea-ridden. Lose the hair too. We get it: you've been sleeping rough, but you're back now, OK?
PS Soaps usually list the characters by order of appearance in the credits, but even though Sharon only appeared for the last ten seconds at the end of Monday's episode she was listed second. What's that all about, aye?
*** My Soapy ramblings are coming to a computer near you this week. Yes, my brand-new Internet Soap talk show: Jane's Soapy Corner starts at 6.00 pm (BST) on 22nd August via TellySpy. Come along and talk Soaps with me live online (or I'll be sat there talking to myself for half an hour)!