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article imageOp-Ed: Why doesn't Romney just prove that Sen. Reid is a 'dirty liar'?

By Bill Schmalfeldt     Aug 6, 2012 in Politics
Washington - It seems like every Republican in the world was on a Sunday talk show yesterday to say what a big, fat, dirty liar Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was for saying Mitt Romney paid no taxes.
Too bad there's no way for Romney to prove that Reid is lying through his tiny little teeth. We've racked our brains here at Liberal Grouch headquarters, held staff meetings, written lengthy memos to each other trying to think of a way presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney could prove once and for all that Sen. Reid is lying when he says he was told by a former investor at Bain Capital that Mitt Romney "hasn't paid any taxes in 10 years."
We couldn't come up with a single good idea.
We thought about putting out another campaign ad in which Romney lies about something Obama said. But no, people are already used to that, one of our executives said. We need something that will catch the eye and the ear.
"Billboards," another junior executive said. "We'll put up a bunch of billboards saying the Mitt Romney is a Mormon and therefore can not lie because that would be a sin!"
No dice," we said. "Reid's a Mormon, too. One of them has to be lying."
We thought and thought and thought until our thinkers were sore. Then we had an idea!
"What if we put Senator John McCain on one of the Sunday shows and had him vouch for Mitt?"
"Great idea," one of our subordinates said. We took a quick, meaningless vote, and decided that would be the plan. We'd get John McCain on a Sunday talk show and he'd say he's seen a whole bunch of Mitt Romney's tax returns from when he was vettting him for the veep slot in 2008, and he can swear on a stack of Bibles that Mitt not only paid taxes, he paid income taxes! And a whole bunch. And McCain's a war hero. America would have to believe him.
So, we tried to get McCain on the phone. Getting McCain onto a Sunday talk show is usually as hard as getting a cat into a fish store.
But for some reason, we couldn't find McCain. We tried all his houses. Funny thing, his wife Cindy was at all of them, and she kept saying John was in the bathroom and he would call back as soon as he was done. But he never called back.
We started to get the feeling that John McCain didn't want to go on a Sunday talk show and vouch for Mitt Romney's taxes.
"So, how in the hell are we going to prove to America that Mitt Romney paid all his income taxes, on time, and as much as he was supposed to?"
It was a bit after usual closing time, and a janitor was mopping in a corner of the conference room. He mumbled something.
"If you have something to say sir, please share it with the rest of us!" we shouted.
The janitor stopped mopping, put the mop back in the bucket, letting the handle lean against the wall of the fabulously appointed conference room here at Liberal Grouch HQ. He made eye contact with us.
"How about he releases his tax returns?" he asked without a trace of nervousness in his voice.
"Howzat?" we asked.
"If he releases his tax returns, then America can see for itself whether or not Harry Reid is a big, fat, dirty liar when he says Romney didn't pay no taxes."
We entertained a motion from the board. Then we had a voice vote. The "Ayes" had it, as we decided we would immediately hire a new janitor.
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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