A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
This post looks at episodes broadcast in the UK 23rd-27th July 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Lola gives birth sitting up, Cora forgot to mention one of her babies, and I cried like a baby when it all went live for those eight minutes on Monday night.
"These torchbearers, right? They're meant to be inspirational people from the community, yeah? So why did they choose Billy Mitchell?" Lauren wondered (as did we all).
"Admin Error," Zainab quipped in a flash.
This whole torchbearer thing has bored me rigid, and Billy getting held up on the Tube was just aaarrgh – as was him opening up his box to find pink fluffy slippers and not the new trainers he'd been expecting to find.
Who in their right mind (or even Billy Mitchell) wouldn't have opened the box to check it had the right thing inside, and who in their right mind (or even Billy Mitchell) would even think of running in trainers they hadn't 'broken-in' first?
Lola's Lump turned into twins – overnight
My eyes nearly fell out of my head on Monday after seeing Lola's Lump go from nothing more than a 'bit of bloat' on Friday to what looked more like triplets, overnight. Credibility?
Seeing her sitting upright against a wall to give birth (and conveniently wearing a voluminous dress – for the first time in her pregnancy) was just laughable. "Why on earth am I watching this drivel?" I thought to myself, and then it cut to the live bit, and suddenly none of that mattered any more.
Yes, it was SO contrived and yes, it was so predictable and yes, there was no blood and yes, the dolly that 'popped out' was a joke, but I cried buckets and felt such emotion as the real, live Olympic torch went round the Square and Billy looked so happy I thought he'd burst with pride.
Lola did a great job at grunting and screaming too, and the last scene where she cried "We did it Pops," (eek, 'Pops') must have had EastEnders fans everywhere in floods.
Lola's magic baby
By Tuesday however, Lola's baby had gone from being a dolly to at least a three-month old. It's massive. There's no way a baby that size could have come out of Lola, and only 24 hours earlier. It doesn't cry either. That's one hell of a baby you've got there, love.
"My bump's as big as it was before," Lola moaned to Billy. No. It's only as big as it was for one episode, love!
It's this lack of attention to detail that (yet-again) lets EastEnders down, and would they really have us believe that Jack would have a) bedded two Air Hostesses, and that b) they would actually go and sit in a pub having lunch in their uniforms (he said he wanted to 'get them home' so they clearly weren't going to work)?
Something you forgot to tell us, CC?
The most jaw-dropping bit this week though was Tanya finding out that she had a secret sister. Oh, how I hate it when Soaps do this. After everything that's gone on with Rainie, the cancer and ALL the skeletons that have come out of the Cross's cupboard over the last year, do they really expect us to believe this one? Credibility.
On the plus side … as you know, I'd be happy to watch Tanya read the phone book, and I love Cora (or CC as I think I'm going to start calling her now!), so I'm not going to complain about seeing lots of them on-screen together, but it's all a bit far-fetched, innit?
Walford Curry Sales soar
It's 'musical owners' at the Argee Bhajee too, as Zee and Mas are going to take over from Damwaar. That's no bad thing. His miserable gob's probably what's been putting the customers off.
Forget all that though. Zainab's such a great comedy character (and her gurns get better by the week), that I'm happy to see as much of her as possible, and PLEASE bring AJ (and Mrs AJ) in to work there too. Where's he gone, anyway? I love him, and I want him back – SOON!
No Grins of the Week last week. Three this week. It's an improvement!
Cora: "I haven't finished (talking) yet."
Max: "You never have."
Kim: "When I'm tired, I smash a King-size (chocolate bar) and I'm sorted."
Denise: "It's Ramadan. She can't eat till it's dark."
Kim: "Well, just nip out the back and turn off the light. I won't say anything."
Masood (about Denise): "She'll just be happy that you're happy."
Zainab: "That is NOT how friendship works."
* Why is there a 'Warning' sign in baby Lexi's car seat? Does she bite?
* There's one other thing that nobody seems to mention: Lola's baby's father. Why aren't people asking about it; why hasn't it come out yet, and why wouldn't she have told Billy at least? I can't understand why this has been such a non-story.
* I hope CC and Patrick get together, it's all very sweet!
* Zee implied that she couldn't have sex during Ramadan. I looked it up and she can – as long as it's after dark!