A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
This post looks at episodes broadcast in the UK 2nd-6th July 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Shirley hits the heights and Kat sinks to new depths …
Oh, please make it stop.
No, not Derek (I'll come on to that in a minute): Kat. It's bad enough that she's cheating on Alfie (again), but we also had to endure her blatantly flirting with half the Square's males first. Gross … and as for all the close ups on the 'suspects' and the text messages, it was just tragic and dire to watch.
Anything which involves sport in a Soap is usually 'contrived', boring, and rarely well written. This is a case in point. All that cheering 'Kat Moon, Kat Moon' in the pub was just aaargh, and I could almost smell the testosterone through my TV as the blokes all tried to look hot and fit and cool.
Max Branning leaning up against the Queen Vic door with a fag hanging out of his mouth? How could that be remotely any sort of a turn-on?
I'm surprised Tanya hasn't already put her foot down (on his neck preferably) over that one actually. She's just survived cancer and he's giving himself cancer from smoking. Not a good message. How about having him give up, aye?
Something of the night about them
Derek's been to the hairdressers this week for a little bit of 'help', and his dracula-black barnet could give Kat's a run for its money. Maybe that's a clue as to who the feller is? That pair behind the bar would make the Addams Family look normal.
Talk about pots calling kettles black too. "What sort of man sleeps with with the Landlord's wife?" she asked the shadowy figure in the cellar. Er, anyone who's given half a chance, I suppose?
She's a classy bird, our Kat – NOT. They can only 'sleep' with you if you let them, love. Trollope. Talk about demeaning yourself. If she's not careful she's going to find herself in the family way, because I'll bet she won't be making him 'put something on the end of it' – as Jeremy Kyle is so fond of saying!
I'd like it to be Derek. They've got great chemistry and would make a scary but electric combination behind the bar. I have a suspicion that it's NONE of the suspects, but whoever it is, can the team either make this her last fling – and stop her being unfaithful once and for all – or split her and Alfie up please?
Alfie's a mug to put up with her, and I'm sorry to say that (in my opinion) he's turned into a really boring character. All he does is stare into the middle distance or say something motivating to someone. It's hardly a stretch for him, is it?
Look: it's Lola's Lump
"How's Lola?" Jay asked Billy.
"She's got the right hump," Pops replied (I hate her calling him that)!
She might have the hump, but she ain't got a bump. Ok. It did look slightly bigger in a couple of shots this week, but she still looks like a skinny teen with a bean bag stuck up her jumper, and it doesn't look a bit realistic (especially when she sits down).
Derek feeds the five thousand
She could do with a good meal inside her. Get round to Derek's, girl. He chopped a couple of onions up to make lunch then Joey turned up with the Square's teens and – lo – suddenly there was enough bolognese to feed nine hungry adults. Oh, as IF!
Why would he have cooked that much for (what was meant to be) the three of them? Not credible. It's a good job Joey's nice to look at (very pleasing, in fact!), as I'm struggling with this whole broody/sulky/father and son thing. Sooo boring. Is he even Derek's son? They don't look a bit alike …
What did Shirley look like this week? She ditched the Addams Family mascara and went for the DomesticGodsake look. Shirley in rubber gloves cleaning cupboards out? No, I don't think so. That's a more scary look than her 'rock chick' one (which I've always liked; she's got a great pair of legs)!
Shirley's having a mid-life crisis. If I had to live with Ben I'd have more than a mid-life crisis, but now that 'Doctor' Jean's diagnosed her (while the pair of them hung off some scaffolding), she'll soon be on the mend.
The thing with Jean is that she's a lot smarter than people think, and that's because of the clever way her character's written. There's always that doubt as to which side of the fine line between insight and insanity she's on. Great scene, and I'd love to see more of them together.
"I've got underwear older than you," Shirley told Fats. So have most of us, I suspect!
They've turned the background music down over the last couple of weeks. Either that or it's my ears, but I just can't hear clearly enough for my Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background spotting!
In its place I've got a brand new Award. It's the Line of the Week, and it goes to Shirley for this: "Do I look like I've got worms?"
At least we got a few Grins of the Week too – after last's week's zero!
Kat: "You alright nan? What 'you come as: a saveloy?"
Phil: "Chewing ain't a crime, is it?"
Shirley: "No, but murder is. Carry on like that – 'chewy' – and I won't be responsible for my actions."
Lauren (looking at the yobbo hassling Lucy): "And this is … who?"
Lucy: "The missing link."
Kat (to Andrew): "Safe hands? If you tried to put your head in your hands you'd miss."
Cora: "She's not as green as she's 'cabbage-looking', is she?"
Sasha: "Is that a compliment?"
* Who was running the Minute Mart while Denise and Zainab were in the caff?