A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 11th-15th June 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Tanya's treat wasn't as much of a surprise for Abi as Jay's, and it's no surprise that things aren't going to go to plan for Janine next week either!
Hey. Have you just finished your exams? What's the one thing you'll be wanting more than anything? A car? Some cash? Fruit?
Maybe not fruit …
"You didn't touch your fruit salad darling. That was a special treat for now that your exams have finished," Tanya pointed out to Abi.
Maybe aim a bit higher? A trip to Costa Coffee? No, a trip to Costa Rica might be a bit more like it. Try that, Tan. Nope, that didn't work either. Ooh, kids today: so ungrateful.
Abi didn't want to go because she thought Jay would go off her if she wasn't around for eight weeks. Bless. That girl's been watching too many Soap Operas. As if he'd go off with another girl the minute her back was turned. Like that ever happens …
Seems he didn't want her to go either though, so decided to go with her. It's an Eco Scholarship isn't it? I'm not sure you can just turn up at the Airport with your boyfriend as hand luggage. It gets worse though. He's asked her to marry him.
You know what Max'll have to say about that, don't you! She's not even 16 yet. Goodness me. If she's not careful she'll end up pregnant, but if it's anything like Lola's pregnancy she'll be able to go off to University and get her Degree before the baby's actually born.
Mind you, she and Jay haven't actually 'done it' yet, and judging by her reaction to seeing her parents having a bit of a grope: "Urgh. You two are so gross," I don't think we'll have to worry about her ending up making them grandparents any time soon!
Derek's trying to convince Alice he's a doting dad, but he's bullying Lucy now too. Ooh, horrible men. And speaking of Michael … "Trust me. Nothing is going to go wrong," he said to Janine in the trailer after the end of the England match on Friday night.
We know what that always means in Soapland, don't we? Yes, everything's about to go horribly wrong, and next week is the build up to the wedding, so after a very brief visit to The Square this week, it'll be full on next week. I can hardly contain myself (yawn).
Look. I'll be really sorry when Janine goes. She's a great actress and gets some cracking lines (which she delivers with wonderful comic timing), but I just can't bear all this bullying - and the fact that the show's revolving so heavily around Derek and his growing family these days.
I find it all very tedious, and there's far too little humour to relieve the gloom, and don't go saying Fatboy's funny, cos he ain't! He WAS at first, but now he's just another one who's become a caricature of themselves.
Once this Michael/Jean storyline comes to a head (and Ben finally gets his comeuppance), I wonder what's going to be left to keep us watching? I know Sharon's coming back, but I've read the circumstances and it just seems to be yet more of the same, I'm afraid.
Come on guys. Give us some humour. You've got a couple of funny writers (Jake and Sharon); get them on to it please!
No Grins of The Week (no surprise there), just a couple of PSs.
* Derek asked Kat to choose clothes for sweet, innocent little Alice? Kat? A woman who dresses like THAT? What had she come as this week: Where's Wally? You could hardly pick her out against that wallpaper on Thursday. Probably just as well …
* She'd picked out a 'top' for Alice, but when Derek gave it to her it had apparently become a 'dress'.
* Surely Lucy ought to have gone to the Police about Ian by now?