A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 4th-8th June 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Zainab's grinning like a demented hyena and Michael's finally going to have the smile wiped off his face. Come on Kat. Get your claws out!
Michael's behaviour towards poor Jean's been upsetting everyone. #PoorJean was trending on Twitter: that's how bad it was, and I genuinely considered switching off.
The thought of a whole hour of it on Wednesday filled me with dread, but – unbelievably – it was the best episode I've seen for ages, and when I looked at the credits I realised why: half of it was written by none-other than This Morning's Soap Queen, Sharon Marshall.
As well as her fantastically quick-wit, Sharon's also a great Soap writer because her work is so believable. You actually feel as if the characters are saying what 'real' people would be saying, and I was absolutely gripped.
Is That Kat?
We needed someone to come in and fight Jean's corner, and quelle surprise, someone appeared. She looked a bit like Kat Slater, but a sort-of nightmare version, and Michael's life's going to become a bit of a nightmare now that she's on to him. Ha. That'll wipe the smile off his face!
What's happened to Kat though? She had so much makeup on she just looked strange, and she's not the only one.
Alfie and Christian look as if they've both been to the same dodgy Salon to get their hair dyed, and if Lucy's jeans get any tighter she'll snap in half if she sits down – which isn't a problem Janine's having at the moment.
"If you're looking for the pies, we ain't got any," Lucy told her as she waddled into the Caff. Well, you ain't been eating them girl, we know that for certain!
Kim's B&B's Not My Cup of Tea
I hope Kim's not going to get turned into a caricature of herself. You know I'm Kim's biggest fan, but it all felt a little bit much this week (apart from the line, "You've killed poor Timmy!). The scenes in the B&B felt just a little too silly, and it's a bit unrealistic to have us believe she'd be going round to the caff to get fry-ups because she was too lazy to cook.
"What is it you actually DO Kim – apart from push your puppies out and get your nails done?" Denise asked her.
"I'm working," Kim retorted indignantly.
"What. In the Pretty Woman sense of the word?" Denise replied sarcastically.
Changing Your Suit Won't Change Your Roots
Kim would have her work cut out if she had to clean a room like Tyler and Whit's bedroom, and what's with the new bromance between Tyler and Derek anyway? Bonding over Top Gear? Whit's at her wit's end. "Does it have to be so loud?" she complained about Derek's music blasting-out.
"Yeah. It has to be that loud to hear it over that wallpaper," he replied. (What sort of music would you need to drown out Kim's decor at the B&B: a brass band?)
Notice how since the day Derek mentioned Alice, he's ditched the gangsta-black and has suddenly got a whole new 'dad' wardrobe? You could give him a pair of fairy wings but he'd still be a wrong'un.
'Breast is Best' … Just Not on Your Chest
Someone with an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction this week was Zainab. It looked like she was wearing a see-through bra. Do you reckon that's what scared Afia off, or was it her advice to Tamwar: "Give her a baby."?
I know half the cast are on holiday and they can hardly afford to lose another actor, but Afia was on that bike and putt-putting down the road faster than you could say 'No chance'!
It had always seemed odd to me that Damwaar had even got married, but at least he can go back to doing what he does best now (looking like a stunned mullet), and there'll be plenty of opportunity for him to stare into the middle distance in his own 'special way' now that his mother's had a personality transplant.
I've never seen Zainab so cheerful and animated, but I love her and don't care what she does (as long as she keeps up her brilliant expressions!), but when it comes to face-pulling, Michael's got his eye on a Gold Medal. That grin is chilling, and how he can stand there and lie like that I just don't know.
"If I stole from you, then I'd be stealing from Tommy, and what kind of a man would that make me?" he implored Kat.
Oh, it's unbearable, but I think we know where Kat's coming from. She stood there for a moment and you could tell he thought he'd duped her too, but she's a clever Kat, and turned slowly to face him.
"I'm going to rip you apart," she replied menacingly. Ha. That wiped the smile off his face. Bring it on!
Phew. With all that Jean stuff it's a wonder we got ANY Grins of the Week!
Mo (hungover): "Someone spiked the vodka."
Roxy: "Oh, did they? What with: orange juice?"
Kim: "I'll take my custom elsewhere."
Lucy: "Hastag, bothered?"
Zainab: "Are you saying that I interfere?"
Mas: "Only with everything."
Tyler: "Oy, Lauren. You've got GCSE's ain't 'cha?"
Lauren: "Yes, but none of them were in phone repair."
* Isn't Kat cold? She's half naked. Doesn't she realise it's only June?
* I thought she'd forgotten about Tommy too, because when she marched in at the end of Thursday's episode neither her or Alfie were holding him. Luckily he reappeared on Friday so we know he's still with us, bless him.
* Alice went to 'Upchuck City' all over the pavement, but didn't have watery eyes or even one bit of spit down her chin afterwards!
* Roxy was trying to find out how Jean could have 'lost' all that money. For someone who 'lost' over a million pounds herself not so long ago, I'd have thought she'd have thought it perfectly understandable for Jean to have misplaced a few thousand quid.