A 'sideways' look at the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
For episodes broadcast in the UK 14th-18th May
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Dot's vanished; Janine's getting bigger; something's appeared up Lola's jumper and Derek makes booze disappear. (Can he do the same to Ben?)
Is Ben going to get away with it? Please, NO. If I have to look at that weasely little face for much longer I'll be after him with a photo frame.
He and Phil have either got their 'Uh, oh; we've been rumbled' faces, or their 'S'awwright; we've got away wiv' it', faces on, and it's getting SO boring now.
The Police aren't having any success (they haven't falsely arrested anyone for at least a fortnight), and Ray's daughter Sasha – who wants to be a criminal pathologist – fell at the first hurdle and ran out of Heather's flat crying. Are you sure you've chosen the right profession, love?
Either that, or it was the decor that tipped her over the edge, but if that place upsets her she needs to stay well clear of Alfie's living room. No wonder Roxy was lying down. I'd need to lie down (with an eyemask on), if I had to live with that colour scheme, but if Sacha needs something a bit less taxing than finding Heather's killer, maybe she could go and investigate Phil's moving doors.
It's really bugging me now (and I'm going to have to do some further investigation this week), but I'm convinced that when people come in through the front door they sometimes turn left and sometimes turn right to get into the living room. There's something going on, but I can't put my finger on it so I'll be polishing my glasses and paying extra attention this week!
I thought there was something wrong with my eyes when I saw that shot of Lola. From having had an almost flat stomach for the last 14 months of her pregnancy, she's suddenly remembered to stick a soccer-sized cushion up her jumper, and now looks like a very thin woman … with a cushion stuck up her jumper, unlike Janine, who looks as if she's carrying a whole team!
It's been so nice to see a pregnant woman in a Soap who actually seems to behaving like a real pregnant woman. Janine's been eating for two (dozen), and Michael risked his life (if he IS actually alive – and not the undead), by suggesting she cut back on the carbs.
There won't be many women out there (except for the stick-insect ones), who haven't totally understood her misery when she's complained about 'feeling fat', and wanting to cancel the wedding because she can't fit into her dress. "People won't know if it's a bride walking down the aisle or Heather Trott's 'second coming'," she moaned.
You have to admire Michael's evil, cunning mind though. Janine said the wedding was off, so he took her for a 4D scan of the baby and suddenly it was right back on again! With the amount of money Michael owes, it's no wonder her wants to marry her "More than ever now," but I can't see Janine letting him get his hands on it, can you?
If Michael had a proper job he could get a loan or a credit card like Ian's done … and then go and get a few more. There's only one downside to that plan though, which is that you've got to leave the country and never come back. That's a bit drastic, but as EastEnders is losing actors faster than Andy Murray loses points in a tie-break, it might be an idea.
Dot left in a cab this week, and we all know that Ian's another one going on a 'break'. Maybe he's going to sneak out under Janine's dress when she leaves. At the rate she's going it'd be a damn good hiding place!
To be honest, I feel like going with him. "Every time I try and claw myself back up, something happens. When I look back on my life, it is a catalogue of mistakes and failures and missed opportunities," he explained to Ben.
That is literally word-for-word how I feel about my life. Maybe I need a six month break too? Trouble is, I can't afford it, so I guess I'll have to carry on and just hope for a miracle.
Maybe I could ask Fairy Godfather Derek to 'sort it' for me? He managed to hide a load of illegal booze in the blink of an eye. Maybe he really IS magic? Do you think he could make Ben disappear?
Did you see that Police search? I reckon that if I looked in a tiny little (eye level) corner cabinet, I'd be able to spot if there were bottles of booze in there, or look inside a kitchen unit without having to take the mugs and bowls out, wouldn't you? Where was it: hiding behind an egg cup? Actually, no. I'm not going to say anything about things that aren't credible this week.
Things like: how Ricky's mystery job won't allow him any time off for his own sister's wedding; how Carol's mob can't get to the wedding because of 'engineering works' on the line; how Ben doesn't go to school, but they never contact Phil abaht it; how Derek didn't think to just pick up his cell and ring any of his family at the Branning's to say he was delayed, and all the Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background. No, I'm not going to mention any of that …
Most of Kim's lines are funny, or she makes them funny with her brilliant poses and facial expressions. They're not all one-liners though, or we'd have loads for our Grins of the Week! As it is, we've only got a few:
Tamwar: "I can put it in a doggy bag for you."
Shirley: "Do I look like a dog to you?"
Tanya: "Abi. Get that please."
Abi: "What am I, a professional door opener?"
Tanya (about Lauren): "She stands next to a beer can, and suddenly I'm a bad mother?"
PS Shirley thought Phil had gone to Portugal and said she'd got up, 'Cos it was the first time she'd realised Phil was 100 miles away. It's actually over 900 miles to Portugal.
PS2 Have you noticed how there's always brilliant sunshine streaming into the Branning's kitchen? Never mind Portugal; I'll go there for a week. It's about as far as I could afford to go!