A 'sideways' look at the latest goings-on in Emmerdale, the popular British Soap Opera. For episodes broadcast in the UK 7th-11th May. *Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
David's being chased by women; Zak's chasing demons (all over the Moors); Nicola's 'Satan in a dress' and who's going to be needing maternity dresses before too long?
David's got as exciting a life as mine; he rings round all his TV for the week, and why not? Seems eminently sensible to me, but crikey, he must have changed his aftershave or something, as he's suddenly turned into a man magnet – with three women after him. Can he let me know what I need to do to please, or is it just that low-cut T-shirt he's been wearing all week?
Maybe it's his cooking stills they're after? I loved the sound of his Come Dine With Me dinner menu. Scallops to start.
"Potato scallops?" Rachel asked.
"No. Queen scallops," he replied.
"Barfing already," she gulped.
Alicia got her ten penneth in. "What would your menu be: crisps followed by sweets?" she sneered.
"Loads of NUTS, so you and your brat couldn't come," Rachel shot back.
It's all led to some excellent 'Rat-eye' looks, with Alicia definitely coming tops in the 'Death stare' department, and her tongue coming a close second. "So, these are your work trackies as oppposed to your best ones?" she asked Rachel sarcastically; looking her up and down in the bar.
Poor old Rachel's spent the whole week looking disappointed, and I can understand why. David sees her as a mate, but not the sort of 'mate' she'd like to be.
She wants to have a word with Gennie (who went through the same thing with the gorgeous Nikhil), but Gennie got her man in the end, so will Rachel? I don't think she will actually; surely Alicia's going to win the 'prize' here?
It certainly rules Alicia out of the betting in the Emmerdale Pregnancy Stakes, but the odds have certainly shortened since we learned that two babies are going to be born during the 40th Anniversary week in October.
I've been doing my sums, and worked out that it has to be somebody who'd been 'getting jiggy' in January/February, which leaves Gennie, Laurel and Nicola neck and neck as joint favourites, but with Katie and Moira still probably worth an each way bet (Charity's odds having been slashed after this week's Spoiler alerts!).
Nicola's still struggling with her cuckoo in the nest, but he's such a sweetie how could she not love him (especially when he said "I want my mummy," to Megan)? Oh, yes. It's because his mother's "A painted-faced trollope with a pea for a brain and a chest made out of recycled bin bags," that's why!
Poor little mite. Children might not say much (most Soap children don't), but they're little sponges, and he can't have felt very loved this week by his wicked step-mother Nicola. "Jimmy thinks I'm Satan in a frock," she told Laurel, but he's got a point, as she even managed to lose him.
Jimmy wasn't happy, and accused her of doing it deliberately.
"You're right. I lost him on purpose and I thought when you found out you'd just go 'Oh well. We've still got Angelica'. Then it'd be the three of us like it was before. I can't believe it didn't work," she retaliated sarcastically (best form of defence is attack!).
Jimmy thinks Elliot's a genius. Nicola's surpised he's got a brain at all – with Jimmy and Kelly as parents, but is more concerned at Angelica's lack of aptitude. "I don't know what's wrong with her today. She's showing no interest in phonics," she grumbled to Jimmy.
It's all great stuff. I love Nicola and Jimmy's banter. They've got such great chemistry and it's a joy to watch them bickering!
We need a bit of light relief from the week's other big storyline: Zak's trip out to Ilkley Moor. "You don't know Uncle Abe. If it was his funeral he'd have the pennies off his eyes," Chas had told Alicia about the tenner Zak owed him.
Judging by the roll of notes Zak had in his hand, he's certainly not short of cash (where did he get it from, anyway?), but I wouldn't hold out much hope of him seeing it again, as half of Yorkshire will probably recognise that rock!
I wonder whether Zak found it hard to act all that out by himself on the Moors, or whether he actually relished his big solo?
It was nice to see him get a storyline, but I've found it all rather tedious, and wasn't it a stoke of luck that Cain (on a crutch), managed to somehow limp miles across all that rough ground and just happen to find him down a hole like that? Marvellous … and who called the helicopter? If it was Cain, he was damn lucky to have got a phone signal up there; I never have!
I've never seen someone have a complete breakdown before. I'm sure we've all felt desperate and helpless at some point, but most of us manage to stay just to the left of the line which Zak's now crossed, and I'll be interested to see what happens next, rather than what we've been watching over the last few weeks.
Some lovely writing for Nicola this week from Paul Roundell, and here's our Grins of the Week:
Jimmy: "I thought he'd pick up on the tension – you know?" (Elliot; because he's bright.)
Nicola: "He'll probably write a thesis on it."
Jai: "You don't want to take a sweaty mess back with you – especially when you've already got one at home: no offence."
Nicola: "Jimmy or Angelica?"
Nicola: "Huh. None taken."
Sandy: "I am perfectly capable of preparing my own lunch."
Ruby: "I can cut my own hair, but it's less likely to end badly if someone else does it."
Nicola (about Bernice): "She thinks she's got problems. She's probably got a split end."
Arthur: "I've grown two inches."
Laurel: "Your nose has, pinocchio!"
Rachel: "I've had it on vibrate." (Her phone.)
Alicia: "Got to get your kicks somehow when you're single."
Chas (to Cain): "I'm sorry. Have I got a chicken on my head?"
PS I'd just written 'Where's Adam gone?' in my notebook, when he literally walked into the kitchen at that exact same moment. Blimey. What's happened to his face? Now, there's a tan that could only have been achieved from having spent two weeks on a beach in the Caribbean etc, and definitely not a burger factory in the Yorkshire Dales!
PS2 Declan cancelled a meeting with a client, stating, "It's my day off." Er, businessmen like him don't have days off. He should have said, "I'm taking a day off."
PS3 Did you notice when Ashley thanked Laurel for letting him visit the children and she said, "No, he's really enjoyed it," little Arthur nodded his head. Bless!
PS4 Alicia's had her Jammie Dodger earrings on this week. I love them!
PS5 Zak was ranting on about Butch ("His dog?" the Doctor asked Cain), and it took me straight back to thoughts of one of my all-time favourite characters: Mandy Dingle. Ah, she was wonderful, and I'd SO love her to come back one day.
PS6 Did you see Declan put those two mugs of hot coffee straight down onto that highly-polished dining table? Is he mad?