Welcome to a review of the most recent episodes of EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.
For eps broadcast in the UK 30th April-4thMay 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Alfie's got 'Magic' money; Michael's making Jean's money disappear; Derek's being everyone's Fairy Godfather and Lola's about as likely to be a mother as I am if that bump of hers gets any smaller.
In one of my previous lives – as a Housekeeper, and even now (where I work one day a week cleaning/ironing so that I can at least exist while I somehow try to find a way of earning money from my writing!), I never know what I'll be walking into.
What your employer's been up to determines your workload, so when Michael pontificated to Lauren; "Cleaning. That's one job that is pretty easy to be definite about," (as he tried to imply she'd exaggerated the time it took her to clean Janine's house), he was very, very wrong. As if he'd have even the faintest idea of how long it would take to clean a house? I'll bet he's never done anything more taxing than polish his fangs.
Watching both Michael and Janine tear into Lauren (like the pair of vultures they are), was really quite scary. Michael's only a pair of fangs away from being dracula now (or Michael Barrymore's evil twin), and it was only a matter of time before he got that money off Jean.
Ah. That money …
I was wondering where else he could get money from (as he'd already got her eight thousand pounds), but this was Alfie's money that he'd got in the safe, which he just took out and gave her half of (and didn't lock the safe again), to "Spend on The Vic". Seems a bit strange, doesn't it, but not half as strange as what happened next.
Alfie gave Jean a small handful of notes, but in the next shot she had a massive wodge of cash in her hand. Wow. Where can I get some of that magic money?
If Michael needs money he should just go and get some of Alfie's magic money, or maybe 'ave a word' with Derek, as he and Janine are both mobile cash dispensers, and Derek's Fairy Godfather routine continued this week too, as he not only returned the kitten to Tiffany and Morgan, but paid for its food; cleared Bianca's debts and offered to give Carol the money for them all to go and visit Bianca in prison.
Why on earth would he want to move into their box room? If he's that rich, why hasn't he got a place of his own? Even Shirley's moving into Heather's flat, and she hasn't even got a job. Maybe she's on Benefits now she's not with Phil? Who knows …
You could ride a coach and horses through most of EastEnders' storylines at the moment. Who'd suddenly decide to arrange a barbeque (for the whole Square) on May Day morning (a working day), only to find your chef had already got one organised but hadn't told you about it, Alfie?
I'm a bit confused as to where Ricky's meant to be too. If it's near enough for Liam to stay over and for him to be able to get him back in time for them to catch a train to Suffolk, then why isn't he there with his kids, especially now that Bianca's back in prison? You'd think it would be a perfect opportunity for him to come back and take over, wouldn't you?
We've had a few bits of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background this week, with the words, "You said that I'm the only one," playing as Mandy told Ian that he was the only one for her and handed her ring back to him (again!), and "I've got troubles of my own, cos I'm short on time," was ringing-out at the exact second Mandy was writing MUM in sugar on the table, after finding out how sick she was.
We have music in the background so often in EastEnders, yet when a fairmlee sit down to a nice fairmlee dinner, all you can hear is the clanking of knives and forks!
This was a welcome home dinner for Lauren, but – like when Oscar wasn't there for the last one, Abi wasn't there for this one. What a funny family. Mind you, if Tanya's cooking's as bad as Cora implied when talking about her gravy: "This is instant. Even your mother would have trouble mucking that up," then she's the lucky one!
Hardly any Kim, so hardly any Grins of the Week:
Derek (about Billy): "Calls himself an athlete. 'Ave a look."
Carol: "Having you stay is one thing, but having your dodgy gear stay as well is quite another."
Max: "You been upsetting her?"
Anthony: "Well, no. She just likes getting upset all by herself, don't she? Like, it's her … special talent."
Lucy (about Mandy): "Sorry. She's too vain to come to the phone right now."
Cora: "Me and the crack of dawn don't mix."
Janine (to Roxy): "Pipe down, Erin Brokovich."
Mandy: "Cars. They just don't like me." (I'm the same with irons.)
Phil: "Ain't just cars though, is it?"
PS Ha ha. Mandy's reading Hiya magazine again!
PS2 Don't you have to apply for a family railcard or something online first?
PS3 Gormley Manor. What a gruesome-sounding name/place!
PS4 Lola's forgotten her baby bump again. She must be at least six months gone by now, so why hasn't she got a proper bump? Janine got pregnant after her, yet looks way bigger.
PS5 Amy's doing her deadpan expression again this week. Roxy could drop her off in the Square every morning and she could spend the day being one of those human statues. She'd clean up.
PS6 Speaking of which: I reckon Zainab's started trying to compete with Tanya to see how many micro-expressions she can fit into one shot. The difference between them though, is that Tanya's are usually emotional ones and Zee's are comedy ones, but they're both brilliant in their own way! Unfortunately, a 'still' photograph doesn't doeither of them justice, as there's about ten different expressions in a couple of seconds!
PS7 Why was Lucy revising in the Caff? Far too noisy, surely?
PS8 Mandy told Ian, "I got on a bus." What does she want: a medal?
PS9 How come Liam's managing to get so much time off from his new job at McKlucky's chicken bar? He's only been there five minutes.