Welcome to a review of the most recent episodes of EastEnders, the popular British soap opera. For episodes broadcast in the UK 16th-20th April 2012
*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*
Tanya's feeding the five thousand; Bianca's struggling to feed five; it'll take five hours for Phil to cook dinner, and Derek's just stirring things – as usual – down in Albert Square this week.
Michael looks to be morphing into Michael Barrymore. He did a weird long-legged run past the Vic, and even said 'Awwright?' this week. It's creepy (and he's always creepy when he smiles), but not as creepy as the way he's been hunting poor little Bambi Jean down.
This week he finally went in for 'the kill', and as he walked away with his spoils, Jean was proud and thrilled by the thought of having bought into the Gym, and at becoming some young lad's benefactor.
"Good night – partner," she smiled; beaming with joy.
"Good night … Jean," he replied coldly.
I hate to see nice people being taken advantage of; it really upsets me, and I genuinely don't understand how one person could deliberately do that to another – especially someone as trusting and kind as Jean.
I'd said I'd wondered whether Michael's relationship with Janine would finally turn him into 'Mr Nice Guy', but he's now proved what a total lowlife he is, and I hope he jolly-well gets his come-uppance for it!
And speaking of lowlifes … yes, it's Ben, and what's the little weasel been up to this week? Ah, yes. Working hard to get Shirley out of the picture so that she doesn't discover the truth. "It's under his mattress Shirl!"
He picked up another photo frame in Max's on Tuesday. Uh, oh. Abi, I'd make a run for it if I were you!
Someone else who looked as if he wanted to do a runner was Alfie when Roxy confessed that she loved him. Boy, that woman works fast. She also gets up early too, as when Derek had got Alfie out of bed at 7.00 in the morning, there she was – all dressed and fully made-up – hurtling down the road towards him.
Most mums are in their dressing gowns getting their kiddies up and ready for school at that time, so where was Amy? Mind you; that girl's so quiet, maybe Roxy just forgot she was there?
That's not something which could ever happen down at Bianca's, as Tiffany's always got plenty to say for herself. She's such a little scene-stealer, isn't she? Her expessions crack me up!
Bianca's got financial troubles and is struggling to feed her family. The lovely Tanya invited them for dinner, and I hope Bianca took note, because Tanya managed to feed five adults and two hungry children (where was Oscar, by the way?), from just one chicken.
That wine box she gave them also managed to get Bianca, Carol and Whitney legless, and there was even enough left for Bianca to not only strap the bag to herself so that they could drink a load more at the R&R, but to 'wet' herself too!
Wow. Now that's what you call a 'gift that keeps on giving', and it reminds me of those childen's stories, The Magic Porridge Pot and The Sorcerer's Apprentice!
Tanya's clearly got a loaves and fishes thing going on there (just another one of her many talents!), and speaking of talents, did you notice Christian's amazing sales technique on the stall?
Christian: "What can I get you mate?"
Man: "A jumper, please."
Christian: "Here you are."
Impressive, aye? Now, THAT'S the sign of a good salesperson: they make it look so easy (!)
Mandy did a good job at drumming up business in the caff too, although Derek made it sound like the wrong sort of business. "'Try my muffins', she said.' I was 'elpless," he quipped to a furious Ian.
Ooh, what a nasty piece of work he is, and Ian's not much better; shouting and carrying on about the place not being clean enough. He could have been scrubbing that counter till Christmas without success, as it was scuffed, not dirty, and needed a lick of paint, not a scouring pad!
We also had another cookery lesson this week, from Phil – of all people. He's right (in that you don't salt meat until you're ready to cook it or it draws the juices out), but frying one steak at a time – when there's five of them – didn't make a lot of sense, especially as he didn't look to have anything else to go with it (apart from an audience)!
Well done to the Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background person; you've done well this week. We had Fairground Attraction's 'Perfect' playing as Ian was getting stressed trying to clean the cafe so that it would be perfect for opening, and Rod Stewart's 'I Don't Want to Talk About It' (how you broke my heart, etc), playing as Bianca reminded Mandy that it would have been her and Ricky's Anniversary that day, and Kaiser Chief's 'Ruby' playing as Phil told Shirley that he'd thrown Heather's stuff away.
(PS I check all the lyrics of the songs I quote in this section every week – to be sure they really DO echo the conversation/scene they're playing behind – and they do, or they wouldn't be included. There's usually more, but I often don't know what the song is, unfortunately, but they're clearly all carefully chosen for their relevance. It's very clever, but rarely subtle!)
Apart from Janine bursting into tears every five minutes – and Michael clearly not knowing how to cope with it (that was really funny), there's barely anything for our Grins of the Week:
Carol: "Give her a couple of months and she'll be doing Algebra and stuff."
Tiffany: "What's that?"
Bianca: "Oh, just something old people used to do."
Lucy (to Mandy): "Bring your 'excited' face."
PS Mandy was reading Hiya magazine. There's no such publication in the UK (apart from a spoof Hello magazine). Nice tease. Liked that!
PS2 If Amy was old enough she'd make an excellent poker player, as her face is always completely expressionless. Despite having been in the show since she was a baby, she still looks as if she's thinking, "How the hell did I get here, and who are all these people?" Poor lamb. Unlike most Soap children, she really doesn't look as if she's enjoying herself.
PS3 Why did Michael come into Heather's flat; put all the food into a black bag and then just leave?
PS4 If Bianca's so broke, how can she afford to pay to go to a club and buy drinks?