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article imageOp-Ed: Dead people are registered to vote, blame Obama/ACORN!

By Bill Schmalfeldt     Feb 15, 2012 in Politics
A blogger claims two million dead voters are ready to rise from their graves to vote, and links this news to a story about the political group ACORN.
There is an alleged blogger who goes by the name of "Henry D'Andrea." So there's no confusion, he Tweets under the name "@TheHenry." So you don't confuse him with all the other "Henries", I guess. Now, God forbid I would stain the good name of the Internet by writing anything unseemly about "The," even though he makes a living telling lies and then using Twitter to tell people about the lies he's written and trying to make them believe his lies. After all, I'm sure he's good to his mother and is a regular recycler. He also is a guest columnist on the Washington Times, which would print a guest column from one of my dogs if one of my dogs was a conservative, which they know better than to be if they want to keep sleeping in my warm house.
(Besides... "The Washington TIMES?" He writes a column, read by dozens, in a newspaper owned by a chubby Korean who thinks he's Jesus? And he's telling people what they should think? Um. Whatever?)
Today, he wins the "Oh, look at the funny conservative" award with this.
Almost 2 Million Dead People Registered To Vote
SHOCK! HORROR! Whatever the noun is that is used in the adjective that describes one as "AGHAST!"
Think about it. Two million dead people, all ready to rise from their graves and vote when the Zombie Apocalypse hits...
Oh, wait. That's not what he's seemingly concerned about. He's concerned about something else rising from the dead.
The Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, which has been out of business since filing for bankruptcy in 2010, is no doubt lurking in the shadows, waiting for their opportunity to rise again, shambling, dropping off bits of flesh as they vainly seek the brains of living conservatives to feast upon.
I would say that zombies seeking to feast on conservative brains would find that to be a meager banquet. But we mustn't be mean-spirited.
Anyway, rather than actually write a column for his entertaining and fanciful blog, "The" manages to craft a single hyperlinked sentence fragment.
"Signalling ACORN."
The link takes you to the Politico story about how there are, in fact, 1.8 million dead people who have not been removed from the voter rolls.
Let's examine this fact and see what we can make out of it, other than to make a fool out of "The" (which would be a mean and unseemly thing to do, and certainly would not be in keeping with the fine tradition of Internet column-writing).
1. Being on the voting rolls is not the same thing as voting. It is not voter fraud to be dead and registered to vote. It is against the law to be dead and vote -- or, more likely what "The" is afraid of -- that some liberal Democrat community organizer from Kenya will USE all these dead people's names to perpetrate voter fraud on an as of yet unimagined scale. Well, maybe "The" imagined it. But dare we go there, into the realm of things that someone who writes such columns imagines? Without boots or gloves? Let's not.
2. What is the mechanism for removing a dead person from the voting rolls? When Grampy Stu dies, is your first call to the funeral home and your second call to the local voter registration department? Unlikely. So, unless someone takes the active step of contacting the local voter registration people to inform them of Grampy Stu's untimely passage into the nether regions, they're not going to know about it.
Now, there is a way I can think of to eliminate this problem, but "The" and his fellow right wing misguided but patriotic patriots of patriotism have always fought against this.
Nationalize the vote. Make voting in elections a national deal. When you die, your Social Security number could then be shot out into the Internet tubes and land in the voter database for your state, and you could be removed from the rolls. When you're dead, that is.
"Heaven forfend," the patriotic, government-fearing patriots shout, getting patriotism all over their shirts as their patriotic faces scrunch up into a look of patriotic concern. "The government could use that information to commit fraud and invade our privacy and know what we put in our sammiches for lunch!"
Well then. Decide which bothers you more, "The." The government knowing you put whipped cream on your baloney, or your dead relatives voting for Obama. Because they will.
You know they will.
Heh heh heh.
Ha ha ha!
Bwaaaaa ha ha ha haaaaa!
(Excuse me.)
What we have here is another fine, patriotic conservative with another fine, patriotic column creating another non-existent problem for you to be afraid of as a non-existent organization could maybe might perhaps use dead old Grampy Stu (who last voted in an election for Herbert Hoover and regretted it ever since) to get that nasty Obammer feller reelected.
Oh, wait... "The" does manage to spill a few more pixels onto the page than just the aforementioned hyperlink and the "borrowed" copy from Politico.
Oh yeah, the Obama administration thinks voter ID laws are racist…
Really? When did Obama say that? When did the "administration" say that? Is there a link to support that bit of hyperbole? I have "the Google" on my computer now, and as I was writing this I did a search for Obama calling voter ID "racist." I find a lot of right wing hate sites that refer to the president by the last name of "Obobo" and such saying that Democrats think it's racist, but I can find no evidence of Obama ever calling such an ill-advised, inappropriate, voter-suppression attempt as "racist."
Or is that just "artistic license" to make up something out of whole cloth, like -- oh, say, for instance -- "Some people think those who have a last name containing an apostrophe are pretentious chum munchers"?
(Hey, I didn't say it. But I'm sure "some people" must have, somewhere, sometime...)
Now... please do me a favor? When you read "The's" column, make a comment thereupon so he will know that his sudden surge in traffic is coming from this column and that we're hoping for his success in each and every endeavor? Because to do otherwise would be mean and not in keeping with the high standards of Internet opinion writers.
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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