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article imageOp-Ed: New Two And A Half Men Ain’t Funny

By Steffan Ileman     Sep 21, 2011 in Entertainment
If the first episode of a Sheen’less Two And A Half Men is any indication, the sitcom’s new season is headed to be a real turkey. Has CBS committed suicide by writing off Charlie Sheen? Here's my take on what used to be my favourite comedy.
First scene starts with what appears to be Chuck Lorre’s “Prayer of Relief”. In legal parlance that means your wish list from the court when you sue the bastard. Most of the characters we’ve seen throughout the series, mostly Charlie’s female conquests, are gathered at a funeral service to “honour” the deceased Charlie. There’s no wake and the coffin’s lid will not be opened, because poor Charlie “exploded like a balloon full of meat” when the train hit him. Not much has remained from him to call Charlie’s body.
Charlie’s bitterly resentful exploits take turns to name the diseases they contracted from him, such as herpes and Chelsea's chlamydia. You too, Chelsea, the love of his life, with VD? That slash would’ve really hurt. In the first five minutes of the show we learn that what Charlie thought of as his love nest on Malibu Beach was a repository of Venereal Disease that should have been shut down by the Center for Disease Control.
“Operation Dumbo Drop” starts after Charlie’s ashes arrive by UPS, or Fedex, and Alan signs for the urn. Then Alan is startled to see a big wet guy in the window and splatters Charlie’s ashes all over the floor. So much for Chuck Lorre’s wishful fantasies.
There walks in Walden Schmidt played by Ashton Kutcher, a dripping billionaire with a “b”, not “m”, seeking refuge from the ocean after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Would you believe Walden’s girlfriend dumped him and he tried to sink into the Pacific? Didn’t the man who sold his invention to Microsoft for a billion bucks know that good turds float on water?
It turns out that, in Alan’s words, Walden is “hung like an elephant”. Really? Then his girlfriend should have committed hara kiri, not the other way around. Are we expected to believe that there’s a woman in America who's dumb enough to dump a good-looking, well-hung billionaire and drive him to suicide, and that wet idiot that wanted to drown is a Microsoft billionaire? It's such a dumb script, it's hard to believe CBS paid for it.
The size of Walden's endowments is pressed on by Alan and Berta after the unbashful Walden takes a shower and walks around naked to display his proud asset. Berta radiates and beams at a 45-degree angle with a POS while Alan declares “Oh, I just cannot get the sight of your penis out of my mind”. Is Alan coming out of the closet in the new series? And since when is a big penis laughing material? It’s cocktail wieners and peas that make people laugh, not extra large bratwurst on sauerkraut. Chivalrous Americans already have a problem with what they imagine Ashton is doing to their women without all the gory details. There goes most of CBS's male audience out the window. Doesn’t CBS have an in-house psychologist?
Rest of the episode is full of desperate attempts by Jon Cryer and Conchata Ferrell and the supporting cast to make VD and a misplaced elephant trunk sound funny. Berta won’t clean Charlie off the floor, so Walden decides to buy the house. Ashton Kutcher is as funny as a worn out lamp pole soaking in the rain. I think he should go back to driving Blackhawks in Somalia. The whole episode looks like an act of desperation to cover up Charlie Sheen’s absence.
Charlie was a shoe-in for the role because he didn’t have to act for what came to him naturally. It was his innocent self-righteous wickedness bordering on the obnoxious that made us laugh, and his occasional magnanimity that bonded the audience to him. It was the air of reality that made this show so successful.
A couple of months ago I would’ve told Charlie Sheen to throw himself on the floor and beg for forgiveness. Now I think CBS executives should do the same before they doom the show forever, unless they've already committed hara kiri. Here’s a suggested scenario: Charlie wakes up drunk and naked in the Mexican jungle and tries to make his way back home...
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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