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article imageOp-Ed: More outrageous plots for Britain’s soaps

By Alexander Baron     Jul 28, 2011 in Entertainment
If you thought you’d seen it all with baby swaps, tram crashes, and madwomen drugging the local vicar after setting fire to his church, think again.
(Note to non-UK readers: below are some spoilers of Emmerdale, Coronation Street, EastEnders)
At the moment there is a murder trial in Emmerdale, not your average kind of murder trial, mind; the defendant is on bail, having assisted his quadriplegic homosexual lover to commit suicide in connivance with the victim’s mother.
In EastEnders there has been a minor act of arson, and in Coronation Street, the local intellectual, who couldn’t keep his head out of books or in his younger days his, er, that other thing, in his trousers, has discovered a while back that he had not only a son he had never met but a grandson. Son and grandson are estranged because grandson bats for the opposition, but Ken being a highbrow, civilised and cultured individual has no time for homophobia, and while his relationship with his newfound son is irreparable, he is pleased to have his grandson around and takes him in, after all, he is a charity worker and doing great things for the local homeless.
Unfortunately, the charity turns out to be a scam, and Ken is bitterly disappointed when his grandson applies for a fifty grand loan against the family home, forging his signature and taking delivery of the cheque. Well, the first part anyway, because the best laid plans of mice and men can always be scuppered by a scriptwriter for dramatic effect, and after the postman delivers the cheque to the local pub by mistake – as he would do – it falls into Ken’s hands, and the dastardly deeds are exposed.
If that hurt Ken’s pride, local businesswoman Carla is in for hurt of a different kind; having already seen her lover murdered by a hit man at the behest of her husband-to-be on the eve of their wedding, being taken hostage by him after he escapes from prison, and then finding a body buried under her knicker factory, she is about to be raped by her new business partner cum lover when he realises she only has eyes for the local bookmaker. Carla, haven’t we been here before?
All this begs the question, what is in store for EastEnders? About the only thing we haven’t seen in Britain’s soaps is an Al-Qaeda cell, but all that could be changing, because there is about to be a gay marriage in the mythical Albert Square, and one of those involved is a Moslem. Today it was revealed that comic cleric Anjem Choudary has taken responsibility for stickers that have been posted around the East End of London claiming it to be a Shariah controlled zone – that is Sharia with an H. This sort of thing has happened before recently, but one wonders if this time it might lead to a suicide bomber attacking the Queen Victoria public house; perhaps it may turn out that local hard man and recovering alcoholic Phil Mitchell, having been radicalised at an AA meeting has been storing explosives in his garage in preparation for the forthcoming jihad. We can but hope.
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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