Op-Ed: Just another American disaster, marketing the BP spill

One thing about the Great Financial Crisis: It really set the scene for streamlining procedures to avoid dealing with catastrophes. The BP spill has optimized the process, allowing for actual marketing of disasters.

The trick is to emphasize the positives. A spill which is currently putting up to a guesstimate of 100,000 barrels a day into the Gulf has many positive elements: Ø Creating arguably the world’s largest potentially flammable area in history. That could get interesting, particularly if you like your countries charcoal cooked. Ø The potential to save the US billions by reducing the number of habitable states by 10 per cent. Ø A new Congressional committee based game show, where conscientiously sniveling invertebrates and mediocrities can develop their publicist’s careers while not being responsible for anything. (A true thematic breakthrough in Congressional committees, the invertebrate elements add a certain ambience to the proceedings.) Ø As an added incentive, those whose political ambitions tend to lackeyism can develop their skills. Ø An opportunity to reintroduce the South to the nomadic lifestyle paradigms of the early Stone Age. Ø Because waters from the Gulf eventually join the Gulf Stream, the chance for the east coast to join in the excitement! Ø The opportunity for total silence from the mega mouths of the media abyss. (Unique in modern times, this uncharacteristic reticence was attributed to good taste until the obvious contradictions were realized.)

Courtesy Gov Jindal's office / lagohsep

A hand covered in the BP oil spill

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Ø The opportunity to explain “death” to children by using news broadcasts. This invaluable aid to parenting is believe to add excitement to the food stamp routine for those on welfare. Fees are expected to be introduced. Ø The chance to develop whole new classes of public relations abortions has been developed rapidly. “Recovery” now means the few teaspoons full of oil you can get out of the Gulf, not the economy. Then you can stick it in a car’s engine and help prevent people breathing. It’s a holistic process. Ø Writing press releases with no pretension of sanity or competence has also added a dimension to an art form which was in danger of extinction. Ø American political hacks, once teetering on the brink of relevance, have been given a new lease of life. Any mindless cockroach able to post a Tweet can now develop their careers again with a sense of security. Then they can go and breed. It’s nice to know that everyone’s getting back to work, isn’t it?