Op-Ed: Stats: 276 people hurt by guns every day in the US, 84 killed

That figures out as about 100,000 casualties a year. An average of 84 of those shot, die. As cultural statements go, this ranks about equal with “It’s not loaded”, and “There’s no place like… Get down, Auntie Em!”.

This hideous stat, first published in 2000, is news again courtesy of the Fort Hood shootings. All of a sudden, the idea that guns might have other uses than ornamental has impinged on the pea brains in media. A New York journalist for The Sydney Morning Herald quotes international stats:

On average guns kill or wound 276 people every day in America. Of those shot, about 75 adults and nine children die. That adds up to just over 100,000 victims of gun violence a year. The rate of firearm murders in the United States is about 16 times that in Australia and 26 times that in Britain. In 2000, Britain's Home Office published a study which compared murder rates in the world's capital cities. Canberra had 0.64 homicides per 100,000 people. London had three times that rate. Washington DC's murder rate was 93 times that of Canberra's.

The report includes the fact that the Fort Hood shooter was able to just walk in an buy the meanest gun on the market, no questions asked. Asking questions about guns seems to be unlikely. Those figures may have moved since, but it’s not like anyone’s doing much counting in the US itself. Apparently it’s not even an issue, and hundreds of thousands of people can get randomly renovated without attracting a lot of real interest. So you’re 93 times more likely to get killed in Washington than Canberra. It’s not that we don’t have guns in Australia. We have millions of them, and everyone knows how to use them. We just don’t make such a fuss about it. These casualties equate to about six Iraq wars per year, not that you’d ever guess from the American news media. Gun sales have been booming, so we can assume that a guns-based recovery, with a related decrease in the number of unemployed and anybody else in range, is at hand. Apparently the part of the constitution which supports “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of paramedics” is still functioning with its normal charm. Nowhere else in the world is it a constitutional right of citizens to get caught in crossfires. Unless the gun issue is a secret new solution to the housing situation, there may be a problem. What’s so special about perforating 100,000 people a year, you may ask. Well, there’s the requirement for 100,000 cases of surgery and medical treatment, coroner’s courts, police reports, funerals, health care, and other expensive hobbies. If each case costs an average of $10,000, (including discounts if you’re dead) that’s a billion a year. In practice, it'd be a lot more, including property damage, therapists, and talk shows. Actually, if you started a sort of Frequent Shooters rewards system, where people are rewarded for shooting fewer people, it might help. Just get a receipt from your local county each day you don’t wipe out a family, or something. Then you can use the points to buy a coffin, or Abrams tank, etc. Most people hit by soft nose bullets don’t require band aids, so there’s a saving there, but otherwise it’s a bit pricey. Then there’s the quality of life issue, what with rampages, gang wars, massacres, etc. denting the Home Beautiful vibes. Difficult to imagine as it may be, ingestion of large numbers of high calibers tends to clash with the décor. On the other hand, there’s the glamor of being sprayed across public infrastructure by a Skorpion, which largely offsets the negative aspects. You could, with some planning, become a collector’s set. The health and social benefits of guns include use of Uzis as local dental DIY alternatives and methods of carving cantaloupes. AKs have been found useful in growing uncooperative tomatoes. (True. The more you shoot a tomato, the less cooperative it becomes.) The .50 cal machinegun is great for cabbage moths. It makes them feel needed. On the whole, the benefits are many, considered as expedient aesthetic options where anyone else within 10 blocks may be attempting to live in the vicinity. Sad to say, though, the Reign of the Gun will end. Sooner or later, one of several things will happen: They’ll run out of people. They’ll run out of bullets, and be unable to afford more. They’ll find somewhere to park, after all. There will sneak through Congress a “no idiots” or "must have chins" regulation to firearms. World of Warcraft will go 3D, and swallow the Earth. Until then, stay cool, stay down, and stay off the stats.