Vegemite is the Australian yeast extract spread that terrifies foreigners and prevents taking American chat shows too seriously. Recently Kraft, the owner of Vegemite, decided on a new Vegemite-inspired snack, and held a naming competition.
Then things went off the rails. 48,000 people signed up for the competition. The result was a name, all right, and what a name: “isnack 2.0”. About as Australian as you can get, without an acting school for stereotypes. You can just see Errol Flynn reaching for his isnack 2.0, with a sneering smile on his face.
This name did not please the natives, who massed with pitchforks, bread rolls and other weapons and expressed a certain lack of enthusiasm for this bit of doggerel from a lazy net writer’s disused colon. Less enthused were the masses to discover that the name had been registered
two weeks before the competition ended, in Hong Kong, that other famous bastion of Australiana.
Kraft, whose understanding of Australian gaming laws seems to have come from a particularly apathetic dyslexic chicken, repented, reneged, and have promised recompense to the slavering masses.
Six new names have been proposed:
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Cheesybite: We remain in awe of the depth of talent and perception of copywriters living under rocks.
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Creamymate: This is not the sort of name an Australian male can use in the vicinity of another, at least not in public.
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Smooth: Oh, do throw another merchandiser on the Barbie, Doreen.
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Snackmate: Almost plausible, verging on sentient, could even give rise to some dazzling hook line, like “Wanna Snackmate?” with orchestra.
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Vegemate: Too honest, may give away state secrets when applied to politicians and the syntax is debatable: “Vegemate?” “Yeah, that’s him, over there.”
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Vegemild: If it meant anything, it’d help. Well, no. “I’m having some Vegemild with my rusks…” Not quite the Australian icon.
Vegemite is intended to produce fear and loathing among Poms, polite horror among Americans, and distract New Zealanders from rugby. It’s even supposed to remind Canadians they should be tying down kangaroos. It’s not supposed to be cute, it’s supposed to be functional.
Those of us Aussies who’ve been getting our Vegemite in intravenous drips and patches for thousands of years deserve better.
